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I DIDN’T FEEL A sense of home as the cab stopped in front of the townhouse, and I knew that Chase didn’t either. We came here, because we wanted to be in the last place our mother had been at before she left this earth. Chase and I had sat far from Beth and Mariska during our six-hour flight. We’d been lucky to have gotten seats on the plane to begin with, but now as I looked at the place with some fond memories of Nana and Mother, going inside somewhat made her death real. Mariska lightly bumped my shoulder and I started for the house, since it didn’t look like Chase was going to do it. Shit, I didn’t even want to do it. I wanted to rewind time, make my way back into my mother’s life.
All of the windows were open as we walked inside the spacious house that felt double the size that it was. Dad’s coffee was on the table, but, otherwise, everything else was orderly. A note was stuck on the refrigerator door, addressed to Chase and I, and our guests. Dad had called me after I’d told Beth about our Mom’s passing, because there’d only been seven seats left and he’d urged me to reserve the seats. Beth had taken the phone from me and had taken charge from then on.
Beth and Mariska knew that Chase and I didn’t want to talk. Chase went to his own room with Beth. Unpacking and getting refreshed was unimportant to me at this moment. I knew that Chase liked to follow his rituals, no matter where he was. Despite being estranged with him for over five years, I knew what his habits.
I left my book bag against the wall in the hallway and I laced my fingers with Mariska’s. Mounting the steps until we reached the second floor, she accompanied me into my mother’s room. The door was wide open. My eyes zeroed in on the unmade sheets on her bed, something that wouldn’t have happened if she were alive. She’d been particular about that. I whirled around when I couldn’t stay in her room for one more second and Chase stepped inside with Beth. I owed him his own time to be in our mother’s room like I’d been.
After we’d left Chase alone with Beth in our parent’s room, we showered and dressed in my childhood bedroom.
“You’re smiling,” Mariska commented softly, breaking the silence we’d maintained since we’d gotten here.
I gave her a nod. “Those tie-dye pajamas you’ve got on are uglier than the ones you have in your dorm.”
She rolled her eyes. “The colors are just louder than my other tie-dye stuff.” She was under the covers of my bed, and patted the opposite side. Under normal circumstances, this situation would’ve gone in a different direction, and even though I knew that I wasn’t going to get any sleep, I sank down on the bed and winded hands around her waist. As she passed her fingers through my hair, we looked at each other, until her eyes fell closed.
***
WHEN I MARCHED INTO the kitchen to brew some fresh coffee, Chase was already sitting at the table. I nodded my head at him and he tried to give me a slight smile but he was crushed, just like I was. I didn’t know how long he’d been here, and I didn’t ask. He had the same clothes on from last night and I doubted that he even washed his face or showered like I’d thought he had earlier this morning.
At the counter, I took three mugs, since Beth didn’t drink coffee, and I started the coffee machine. Dad had gotten one similar to what I had in my house. Then, I opened the refrigerator and eyed all of the vegetables and lean meats mother had already cooked. In the center, there was a huge uncooked turkey. I tried to ignore it, but it was right smack in my face. Mother loved to make a big feast on Thanksgiving Day, despite the fact that we hadn’t had any family or other guests over after Nana had passed away. I thought cooking helped her escape, but she hadn’t had it in her anymore to be hospitable to guests. I didn’t want to dwell on the general state of melancholy Mother seemed to have always been in. I took the slices of bread and the mozzarella cheese out of the fridge. I started making what I’d learned was Chase’s preferred version of grilled cheese sandwiches at the end of this summer.
“Beth’s asleep?” I asked him about a half an hour later. Chase had told me that Beth was an early riser. I figured it was enough time for him to wake up from the four cups of coffee he’d had. The plate in front of him with four grilled cheese sandwiches were untouched.
“Nah,” he grunted and swallowed more of his coffee. “She’s emailing her professors with an explanation about why she’s going to miss her classes.”
Turning off the stove, I slid the last grilled cheese sandwiches onto Beth and Mariska’s plates and left them by the stove. “We should do the same. I’ll tell Mariska to do that too.”
Chase shrugged his shoulders indifferently, when Dad appeared at the entrance of the kitchen in his button down shirt, argyle sweater and dark slacks. He had dark bags under his eyes as well. Chase didn’t blink an eye, but it’d always startled me how light Dad was on his feet. He was taller than us and twice as broad as Chase and I. He made for a pretty intimidating looking lawyer.
“You look like shit,” Dad said, with his eyes on Chase. “People can barely get passed that scar on your face. You can’t look like a bum, too.”
“Yeah, well. Tough shit. If I am too indecent for them, then they can go fuck themselves.” Not sparing Dad a glance, Chase got up and poured himself more coffee. “When’d you get in anyway? I didn’t hear you.”
“I was in my study. Make yourself look presentable. People will be stopping by to give their condolences.” He paused and sighed deeply. “I can’t believe I am saying this but take after Hunter.” He exited with an air of arrogance like he’d done in many instances.
Mariska
A TALL OLDER MAN, whom Chase and Hunter bore a striking resemblance to, brushed against my shoulder in the hallway. I said good morning and apologized, thinking that it was due to my clumsiness, but I didn’t think he heard me.
The strong smell of coffee hit me when I came into the kitchen. Chase was drinking his coffee and Hunter pushed the chair out for me and I sat next to him. I touched Chase’s hand briefly, but he didn’t acknowledge me. I’d thought Beth would’ve been down here with them. Hunter shook his head “no” at me. I was going to ask Chase if he was all right, but that was the dumbest thing I could’ve done. How could he, or Hunter, be all right?
“And why does he give a fuck about how I look?” Chase raised himself from the seat, appearing to not talk to anyone in particular. “That won’t change anything.” The table shook under the force of his hands on it, but I didn’t think he was aware of it.
Hunter gave Chase a sharp look. “Chase, I feel you on this, but you gotta chill out.” He lowered his gaze to Chase’s plate of uneaten sandwiches and he cautiously dropped his voice. “You’re going to get sick if you function on only coffee all damn day. I know you haven’t gotten any sleep. Fuck what Dad said. He feels powerless. We’re all powerless in this situation. Mom was taken way too soon. I don’t think Dad can say those words now, or ever.”
Beth had slipped into the kitchen by the time Hunter was done speaking. Standing behind Chase for a second, she wrapped her arms around his chest and placed her head on the middle of his back. She was tiny compared to him, but, without speaking to him, she was getting him to relax a considerable amount. Hunter gestured me to eat like everything was normal and I did just that, because my heart ached for he and Chase. Minutes later, Chase had two plates of grilled cheese sandwiches in his hand and she held another mug of coffee for him. Beth touched our shoulders on their way out.
“Was he talking about your Dad?” I asked Hunter as he took the napkin from his lap to wipe his mouth.
“Yeah, he was,” he replied, “Dad knows how to work his magic on people.” A resigned expression passed over his strong features and, sipping some coffee, he said, “Don’t forget to email your professors like Beth did. If you’re going to have problems with your classes, tell me. I’ll get you on the first plane back to Miami.”
I nodded my head, but I wasn’t going to return to Miami, even if my grades would be affected. I could take a lower grade, or drop a course if it came to that. Hunter didn’t understand that I wasn’t going to bail on him ever again. Especially when he was doing his best to be a dependable brother and son—despite the likelihood that there was a slim to none chance that he’d admit that he still wanted to be the kind of man his mom could be proud of, even in her death.
There were light raps on the door and I knew that there’d be incoming and outgoing traffic here all day. Before he went to answer the door, Hunter leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, while he held the other side of my face in his hand.
***
THE WAKE ON SATURDAY and Sunday had gone by in a blur. It’d been an open casket service. I’d never been to one before and, while the sadness had been palpable, the smiles, some of the memories I’d overheard people recall, made me really wish Chase and Hunter had reunited with her. Charlotte Keller-Lovell was a beautiful petite woman. The funeral home had done her make-up decently and she’d looked like she was just resting. There’d been an endless stream of people, who’d given their condolences. Some who were Mr. Lovell’s colleagues, but most of the people were neighbors. Hunter had worn a brave face and thanked everyone for paying their respects. On the other hand, Chase seemed to retreat further into himself and I could sense Beth’s worry.
