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I lengthen my next step and turn to stop in front of her. She stops abruptly.
“Why these questions, Rella?” I ask, keeping my voice low and even.
She shrugs and drops her eyes to her feet. My fingers twitch to lift her chin so I can see her beautiful eyes again. I don’t understand the dejected vibe she’s giving off, but more, I don’t like it.
“I don’t know,” she mutters. After a moment, she gives me back her eyes. “I was just wondering how it would feel to have a normal sexual encounter.”
Her words send a piercing pain straight through my heart. There’s so much heartache and despair in her tone. She and I are alike in so many ways. No matter how much we might try, we’ll never have an ordinary life; we’ll never be normal. We have too much darkness residing in us.
Rella is thirty-five years old, and she’s never had sex because she wanted it. It’s always been taken. I don’t really get sexual fulfillment when I fuck women. It’s only a temporary solution to curb my grim thoughts, but at least I’m able to make that choice. There’s been no choice for Rella.
My mind wanders to the thought of her taking a lover, and with it, an unexplainable and unreasonable anger hits me. I blame it on the protectiveness I feel toward her. There’s not a soul on earth who will ever be good enough for her. But in the back of my mind, the part where my insane thoughts sit, I wonder if it isn’t more than that.
I have no idea what to say to Rella. I’m the very last person who should be giving advice, but I feel like I need to say something.
“We were all unfortunate to have been born into a depraved and ugly life. You more so than any of us, because your nightmare didn’t end the night of the raid. But you can’t let your past define you. You are so much better than the life you were given. Don’t let it ruin your future. You deserve to be loved and cherished and to be the center of a man’s universe, and he’s out there waiting to give you that.”
Every word I just gave her is true. Rella does deserve so much more than the life she’s been given. She has so much love to give to a man who’s worthy of her. Someone who will put her needs before his own. Who will worship her, provide for her, and give her everything she has ever been denied. A man who will know the special person she is and will do anything to preserve that quality. To protect her with his own life.
Rella deserves all that, but I still hate the unknown bastard. I want to carve out his eyes and slay the skin from his bones. To rip out his organs and shove them down his throat. Then toss his remains in the woods for wild animals to find.
I grit my teeth and force those crazy thoughts away.
Rella wraps her arms around her middle and looks off down the street as she mutters, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be capable of allowing something like that. I’m too damaged.”
Fuck if this woman doesn’t slay me with her words. She looks the same and smells the same as the little girl I knew twenty-four years ago, but she’s not the same. As a child, Rella always said her k
night in shining armor would rescue her one day. She never, not once, gave up that hope. Until the day she took a blade to her wrists. It’s hard seeing her like this.
“Don’t give up hope, Rella. It’ll take some time, and being here with your brother will help. There’s a lot of good people here in Malus, people like us who have been through their own shit. There’s not a person here that will judge you. Once you’re comfortable, you’ll learn to lean on them, and that will help too.”
She nods, but the look in her eyes says she doesn’t really believe me. If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll prove to her I’m right.
“You, uh, never answered my question,” she says meekly. I lift a brow. “Are you and Grace still lovers?”
I stuff my hands into my pockets and look ahead. “I haven’t been with Grace in months.”
“But do you plan to be with her again?”
I frown, wondering why she’s so interested.
“No.” I didn’t realize until now that my interest in Grace and what she gives me is no longer there.
“Oh,” Rella mumbles.
I glance at her and wonder about the content look on her face as we continue walking home.
CHAPTER TEN
EMO
The Past
I SMILE DOWN AT THE little brown-haired girl skipping excitedly beside me. It’s not often I smile anymore, there’s not much to be happy about in my life, but Rella always manages to pull one from me. She doesn’t even have to try. All she has to do is look at me, cast her own smile my way, and I can’t help but to return it. She’s one of the only bright things in my and my brothers’ lives.
“Come on, Aziah.” She tries to pull off a whine, but it doesn’t work with the glee in her tone. “Can’t you just give me a little itty-bitty clue?”
My chuckle is rusty as I reach over and gently yank one of her pigtails. “Nope. It’s a surprise. But I can promise you’re going to love it.”
