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The kiss is soft and lazy, and stops as soon as it starts. I pull in a shaky breath and relax my body against his. He leans back against the headboard and locks his fingers around my lower back. My hands rest on his pecs.
“Now, tell me more. Do you know why you have this addiction?”
Instead of answering his question, I ask one of my own. “You’re not repulsed by this? How can you sit there and act like this isn’t a big deal?”
His hands move up my sides, and I briefly close my eyes, loving the feeling. He gathers my hair in one of his hands and tips my head back.
“You’re right. This is a big deal, a very big deal,” he says. “But can you control it?” I shake my head. “That’s why I’m not repulsed. That’s why you’re sitting on my lap right now instead of me walking out the door and never looking back.”
I look deep into his eyes and see nothing but curiosity, and some other emotion I can’t name. I have no idea how
to react to his reaction.
“Answer my question. Do you know why you have this addiction?”
I don’t like this question. It brings up painful memories I’d rather forget. I look down at my hands lying on his stomach and start pushing back the cuticles with my nails. His hands take mine and place them on his chest, forcing me to stop.
I’m stronger than this. I need to pull my shit together and face him. I need to yank up my big girl panties and put my hard interior back in place. I’m never this insecure. The feeling is foreign to me, and I don’t like it.
Straightening my spine, I look back at him.
“There’s still a lot of unknown factors about sexual addictions. Some doctors say it’s all in our heads, some say it’s an imbalance of the brain chemicals dopamine and serotonin, while others say it stems from some form of sexual abuse.”
I stop talking and look over Blue’s shoulder at the headboard. My body is back to being tense. I hate talking about this. It always puts me in a shitty mood. I’ve seen so many doctors, had so many tell me it’s just something in my head, and I need to learn how to get over it. If they only knew how hard I’ve struggled, how hard I’ve tried to push past it, how much pain I’ve been put through, how ugly I used to see myself, they would know that this isn’t something I can simply get over.
“And what do you think it is?” My eyes go back to him with his question. “Out of those three, which one do you think it is?”
Reaching over, I grab the sheet and tuck it under my arms and around my chest. My bottom half is still naked against him, but having the sheet around me makes me feel better. I can’t do this so exposed.
I don’t answer his question, but instead, tell him a story. “When I was thirteen years old, there was a boy in my neighborhood that I liked. He was two years older than me. He was a very good looking boy, and I loved looking at him. I don’t know why I liked him, because he was always mean to me, saying nasty things. Calling me names, saying I was ugly and fat, laughing at me. When he caught me looking at him, he’d sneer and call me a freak.”
Blue’s body tenses beneath mine, but I ignore it.
“One day, I was in the woods behind my house. I can’t remember what I was doing, but I heard a noise behind me. When I turned to look, I saw Darren, the boy I liked. He was leaning against a tree, smoking a cigarette. He smiled at me, and my stupid heart melted because he’d never done that before. He threw the cigarette on the ground and put it out with his shoe. I stood completely still as he moved toward me, not knowing what to do or how to act. When he was in front of me, he started running his fingers through my hair. I was thirteen and new to the feelings his hands touching my hair made me feel.”
I stare off into space, going back to the moment, and the fear I felt only moments later.
“He called me beautiful, and said he was going to kiss me. I was still stunned he was actually talking to me and not being mean, so I let him. It was my first kiss. I didn’t like it. It was sloppy and he tasted nasty, like cigarettes. His mouth was pressing so hard against mine that he busted my lip. I tried pushing him away, but he grabbed my hands and held them behind my back. I kicked him in the shin and it pissed him off. He screamed at me.”
“You little bitch! You’re going to pay for that!” He screams at me.
Darren shoves me to the ground, and I try to kick out again, but he falls on top of me. I scream, but only a small squeak comes out before his hand clamps over my mouth. I freeze in fear when his other hand starts hiking up my dress. No boy has ever touched me before. I don’t even understand what he is trying to do, but I know I don’t like it.
He puts his face in mine while his hand reaches my panties. He spits in my face and says, “You want this, you slut. You’ve been wanting my hands on you for a long time now. I don’t see why you’re fighting it.”’
My whole body shakes with fear at the nasty look in his eyes. How could I have ever thought he was good looking? I whimper beneath his hand, and tears start leaking out of my eyes when his filthy hand pushes my panties to the side and touches my private parts. It hurts. He isn’t being gentle at all. His hand moves away from me, and then I hear the zipper of his pants. His hand comes back and his fingers probe and try to force their way in, but he’s having trouble. I can see the frustration on his face. I start swinging my arms, trying to push him off me, but he just removes his hand from my dress and grabs both with one of his and puts them over my head. I can’t breathe, because with both of his hands occupied, all his weight is on me.
He grunts as he grounds his pelvis against mine. There is something hard against my private area, trying to poke inside me, but my panties have fallen back in the way, blocking him. I know what it is. I know it’s his penis. We’d started sex education that week in class.
“It’s going to feel so good once I get my dick in you,” he pants.
My whole body shakes. I cry out for help, but it only seems to make him go faster. He pushes himself against me, over and over again, and I know I’ll be bruised later because of it.
Several minutes’ pass, then he moans, and the pressure of his hips lessen. I feel a warmth against my privates, and bile rises in my throat. His forehead rests against my cheek, and the heat of his heavy breathing blows against my ear. I wish he’d get off me and leave me alone. I feel nasty, and want to go home to take a shower and scrub him off my body.
I lay there, stiff, as he slowly gets up. I see a glimpse of his soft penis, and I barely have time to turn to the side to vomit. He laughs, and when I turn back to him, he’s zipping up his pants. I pull my dress down and hug my legs to my chest, sobbing uncontrollably. I scramble back until my back hits a tree, when he starts walking toward me. He squats down, a look of intense satisfaction covering his face before he wipes it clean, and his features turn hard.
“You say a word about this to anyone, and I’ll go after your sister next. You keep your lips sealed and do what I want, when I want, and she’ll be safe.”
