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I can feel her laughing again.
I see Sebastian and he smiles at me and I smile at him and gesture to Mia’s car. I mouth the words ‘thank you’ and he nods. But I can tell there’s something going on that he’s not telling me. Maybe he’s still worried. That’s probably it. I dismiss the thought for now and focus on Mia. “Can I drive?” I ask. “I promise I won’t drive fast.”
Mia stops. “You won’t drive fast?” she says. “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? If you won’t drive it fast then I will,” she says and gets inside the driver’s side.
I guess I will have to get used to riding shotgun.
Never-ending
MIA
I’m lying on Teague’s couch on a Sunday afternoon wearing nothing but the turquoise lacy underwear I put on when I was coming here at the start of the weekend. The living room is all large windows and there’s so much light coming in, the whole place looks warm. It makes me not want to think about anything else. But the thoughts that I’m supposed to think about are also there, waiting to haunt me in ways that scare me. Every time I close my eyes I see that dream—the fantasy of the man in the desert—it was something I’ve had ever since I can remember having dreams; it was the thing that gave me hope when I needed it the most, and made tough times that much easier to bear. That dream was my go-to place; the ever-accessible respite from just about anything; it was the one place where I could go and gain strength, where it was okay to dream for things that were unattainable, okay to indulge in fantasy, okay to escape whatever reality I was facing at the time.
When Teague became part of that world inside me, I will never know. All I know is that somewhere along the course of me not wanting to get serious about anyone and Teague pushing his way through my walls, he managed to get in. Somehow, he managed to become that person who broke through and gave me reason to think about things that I was afraid to think about before. But with all the good comes all the bad—bad like Teague getting in the middle of that cage fight incident. Bad, like Teague becoming someone I’ve started to rely on and I know I’m supposed to be careful, but I don’t know how to separate him from the dream anymore. Every time I close my eyes now, it’s not some faceless stranger anymore it’s Teague—when the hell did that happen? And why the hell did I let it? This never-ending fantasy of thinking that we’re going to end up different than everyone else, it keeps gnawing at me and it’s frightening to think that I might go through what I went through just a few weeks ago when #HT portrayed Teague as some cold-blooded monster.
“Hey,” Teague’s hands go over my bare leg. I open my eyes and see him standing there against the back of the couch.
He looks like a dream.
“Hey,” I say, smiling, still a little sleepy. “Where were you?”
“Doing a grocery run,” he says. “You were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you. Thought the house could use more than condoms.”
God, I love him so much. “You’re a freak.”
“Yeah?” he says, still moving that hand that stops every time it reaches my inner thigh. “Then you’re a freak for being with me.”
This time the hand doesn’t stop at the thigh but goes all the way up to my navel. Teague comes over to the other side and perches himself on the edge of the couch, leans in to kiss me. His hands moves over my throat and over the bra, his fingers find my nipples that are visible through the flimsy lace, but his hands go lower and caress my flank, go lower towards my thighs and then come back up again. He does this a few times, and I close my eyes because it feels so damn good, until his both hands grab each breast and he lowers the lace covering them, runs his tongue over a nipple, and breaks off long enough to kiss me.
He places his hands on each side of my panties and removes them. His mouth lands on my inner thighs, his tongue going over my skin, and my whole body breaks out into a million goosebumps.
I’ve spent my whole life waiting for someone to take the place of the man in the desert dream. And now that someone real has taken on that image, why am I so afraid of letting go?
He spreads my legs, his tongue reaches me down there and I’m going crazy again. Despite all the sex we’ve had, despite the fact that we spent the whole weekend together, there’s a hunger in us both that neither of us can explain.
I get up to face him and find him smiling, looking at me with that look in his eyes, the look that says he would go to the ends of the world for me, the look that tells me I will never find out what’s on the other side if I don’t give it a chance.
And maybe, just maybe, this time it will be different.
Maybe, just maybe, my heart won’t get broken and this never-ending fantasy will remain never-ending.
The Secret
LIAM
Sebastian is sleeping soundly when I open my eyes. Spending the weekend with him at his place wasn’t such a bad idea and I don’t think it would have possible to connect this way if we hadn’t. It’s Sunday evening and I’m still at his place, because honestly, we haven’t been able to get enough of each other. Even just sleeping together with him next to me or in my arms, is like heaven and I don’t want to break away but there’s something that needs to be done and I can’t do that while he’s awake.
So even though it’s hard, I gently pry him off me, careful not to wake him and he stirs but doesn’t wake up. He looks so peaceful; and for a minute I can’t stop but think about how lucky I am. If only Sebastian didn’t keep secrets from me, if he trusted me enough to confide in me, things would be so much easier. All I want is for him to give me a chance and I know he’s starting to warm up to the idea of being with me, but he hasn’t truly given himself to me, not the way I want, the way I deserve—the way we both deserve. But whatever the secret that controls his mind, I have to find it. There’s just no other way to do this—no other way to help him.
I step out of the bedroom and go quietly into the hallway. I walk up to the room he always keeps locked and take out the tiny key that I stole from Sebastian yesterday when he wasn’t paying attention so I’ve been holding on to for quite some time. I use it now, to enter the room. It’s dark. I can’t see a thing so I fumble for a light switch.
When I finally find it, I flip the switch and the room is bathed in soft light.
What appears in front of my eyes is something that I wish I had never seen.
Fuck.
No wonder he’s been keeping secrets from me, no wonder he doesn’t trust me. In a way, I understand but in so many ways, it just baffles me. I take out my phone and start taking pictures of everything.
