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“Try me.”
“You didn’t even pause.”
“Sebastian,” I say. “I think you have trouble believing something good can happen to you.”
“That’s not it,” he says.
“Then?”
He glances at the floor. “I’m afraid I guess.”
“Of what?”
“I’ve lived my whole life pretending to be someone I’m not,” Sebastian explains. “I’ve always been unhappy and pretended to be happy and no one knew the difference. Not even the people I call my friends. Look, I don’t blame them, because I guess it’s because I’m such a good actor, but still. Sometimes, you wish it wasn’t like that. You wish for things…that aren’t yours to wish for.”
Fuck. Why did he have to say something like that? There are things, that I’ve been holding on to, that I need to tell him but I don’t know if I can. But he deserves the truth. I feel like a monster when I think about all the things I’ve done behind his back. I want him to be happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I need to relieve him of this burden that he’s carrying, that he thinks he’s going to carry forever.
“Sebastian,” I say. “There’s something I need to tell you. But I want you to promise me that you won’t freak out.”
He looks at me, fear evident in his eyes. He thinks his fears are about to come alive, his dreams are about to break. “I can’t promise you that.”
“Sebastian,” I say, after a pause. “The other day, when you were sleeping and we were at your place, I got my hands on this.” I take out the tiny key from my pocket and show it to him. He stares at it blankly. “That…that’s the key to my…”
“Secret room,” I finish for him.
“What…what…um…what’re you doing with that, Liam?”
“Look,” I say. “Sebastian, I know your secret. Okay? I know what this key is hiding away.”
He’s just staring at me still. “I can’t believe you would do something like that.”
“Sebastian,” I say. “I had to find out what it was that was bothering you so much! I had to use this key because you wouldn’t tell me.”
He stands and there’s a fear inside my chest of losing him that suddenly rears its head. What the hell did I just do? Did I just admit to him that I had been snooping around his house? Looking for some stupid answers to some stupid questions? “Look,” I say. “Take this. I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore.”
My heart aches just getting those words out.
He takes the keys from my hand. “I don’t believe you, Liam.”
I don’t even lift my gaze from the floor to face him. “Letting me inside your home,” I say. “It was a sacred thing, Sebastian. You trusted me and I broke your trust by doing this. But I couldn’t help myself. I was afraid it was something—”
“Deranged?” he says and this time I can tell that he’s choking back tears.
“Sebastian, you’re not deranged!” I say, finally able to look at him. “You’re a beautiful, caring guy who deserves to be happy. Who deserves to be treated like he’s the only thing in anyone’s life!”
“Shut up!”
“If it doesn’t bother me, then why does this thing bother you so much?”
“Fuck you, Liam!”
He tries to leave but I grab him by the shoulders before he can and hold him back. “Sebastian,” I say. “I love you.”
“How’s that possible?” he sobs. “After what you saw?”
I grab his face in my hands. “Listen to me,” I say. “It wouldn’t be love if I didn’t accept you with all of this.”
“If this comes out I’ll kill myself,” he says and he’s still sobbing.
