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“What’re you so mad at me for? I thought you understand!”
“Why would think I’d understand something as crazy as this!”
“Sebastian,” Teague says. “I need a friend. Okay? I can’t tell Holden. You know he’s going through his own shit. So is Daniel.”
I don’t know how to make him understand what I’m feeling inside. Fear. Anxiety. More fear. Those people in the cage looked and behaved like animals and I can’t believe that for all that time, Teague was part of that madness. It is madness, that’s what it was no matter what Teague calls it. “You’re insane, Teague.”
“Everybody’s insane. Most people just hide it better than I do.”
“You know what hiding constitutes, right?” I ask. “It means secrets. Lies. Deceiving someone. And by someone I mean Mia.”
Teague goes silent for a while and then he speaks. “I’m going to tell her,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on lying to her. I’m just waiting for the right time to say all this, that’s all.”
The sooner he tells her the sooner Mia will set him straight because there’s no way in hell Mia is never letting him do what I just saw him do. But I know Teague’s fooling himself, not me. He might think he intends to tell her but I know the truth and so does he, in the back of his mind, he must know that Mia will never allow this and that he’ll keep using it as an excuse to lie to people because soon enough he will forget that he’s even lying to her, the lie will seem like a fact of his life, like breathing and he’ll get so used to it he’ll be able to continue fooling everyone. And maybe, just maybe you can keep lying to everyone around you until the lie becomes at least a half-truth.
But how long can you lie to yourself?
The Loneliness Alone
DANIEL
I’ve barely woken up when my sister Carmen stands at the threshold of my bedroom door and starts throwing things at me. “Carmen! What the hell!” I scream, grabbing my pillow to shield the onslaught of flying action figures I’ve had since I was a kid. The minute she picks up Thor I call a truce and get up. “What’s so important that you had to wake me up on a day-off?”
Carmen stares at me like I’ve gone nuts. “Danny,” she says. “We talked about this! I need to go with Robbie. You have to look after Josh!”
“Who the fuck is Robbie?”
“Robbie, Daniel! The guy I’m going out with! What is wrong with you!”
“Oh yeah. The guy you were fucking in the kitchen last night while I was trying to sleep and while Josh was asleep in the other room. Mother-of-the-year material, Carmen!”
“Don’t judge me, Danny. I hate it when you do that.”
“Carmen,” I say. “You just got him back. If they take him away this time, there’s not going to be a person on this planet who can give him back to you ever again. Don’t you think you need to be a little less careless and a little more mother-like?”
“Don’t preach to me, okay?” she says and goes out the room. “I know what I’m doing!”
“No, you don’t.” I say but only to myself.
I look at the tiny room and wonder what I’m still doing here. I mean, I grew up here in this very room and it didn’t seem so small when I was growing up. I guess you don’t notice that sort of thing when you’re young. At least I didn’t. But now that I’m six feet tall the room looks cramped. But this room isn’t the only thing in this house that’s small. Everything in here is tiny. The bathrooms, the rooms, the barely-there kitchen—it depresses me. If it wasn’t for Josh I would have left Carmen ages ago but I knew they would send Josh back if Carmen behaved better and I knew she would try to get Josh. But the problem is, Carmen’s parenting ends at wanting Josh by her side. She never really wants to do anything else. I’m the one who wakes him up every day for school. He’s three and in preschool and his teachers think I’m his father, that’s how less they see of Josh’s own mother.
My step sister isn’t a bad person per se; she’s just inept at handling children. But now that she has Josh I realize that she has no choice but to love him. And don’t even get me started at her many boyfriends because she calls them that but I call them strangers who fucked her once and never came back. Except for this Robbie guy. Last night was the third time this guy came to our place and in Carmen world, that’s a long time. It’s hard getting a guy to stay when they see a kid and a cramped white-trash life. When I get to the breakfast table, Josh is sitting on the counter with syrup all over his face and I pick him up. “Joshie,” I say, bringing him to the sink. “How’d you get syrup all over yourself, baby?”
“Will you make sure he eats?” Carmen says, grabbing a purse and her keys. “I might be a little late. There are clean clothes and diapers in the closet and formula—”
“I know where everything is Carmen. I’m the one who takes care of him every day.”
“You’re saying I’m a bad mother? Huh? God, Danny. I get that shit from everyone else, I don’t need it from you too.”
“I didn’t mean that,” I say, trying to be civil. “I just think you need to spend more time with him now that he’s back.”
“I will,” she says, opening the door and stepping outside without so much as a goodbye kiss.
I look at Josh who looks at me, and smiles.
He has no idea who his mother is, no idea what’s going on. I didn’t exactly grow up with a great mother myself so I know it’s going to mess with him later. And just knowing that makes my heart ache. Can’t believe Carmen never sees this fact. That she doesn’t realize that she’s turning into our mother without even realizing it. All that’s really left now is if she got hooked to drugs or something, which would make a complete and total loss. I’ll report her myself if it ever went that far but Carmen’s not really into drugs which is the one reason I can’t at least stand to be with her. “Well Joshie,” I say, taking a washcloth and drying his face with it. “Looks like Danny and Joshie are the only ones in the house!” I look excited when I say that and he reciprocates by being excited himself. Damn this kid is cute. “Danny and Joshie!” Josh squeals animatedly. “Danny and Joshie!” he squeals again. “Danny play!”
I can’t stop laughing. “Yes baby. We’ll play as much as you want now that Mommy’s not here to put you to sleep!”
