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We visited several exhibits and then had lunch. We chatted about her mother some, but mostly we talked business. That wasn’t why I’d planned this excursion, but I had to admit it was more comfortable to discuss business than personal topics because it helped ensure that she didn’t read more into this outing. If we got to know each other more personally, it would be too easy for our feelings to grow.
Saturday was Lily’s birthday party. It sometimes amazed me how big she was getting. It seemed like yesterday they placed her in Joanna’s arms as a tiny newborn. I could still feel the swelling of emotion that filled my chest and put tears in my eyes at the miracle of her. The love I had with Joanna had created this magical being who was now wearing a purple princess dress and pink cowboy boots.
It also filled me with profound grief to attend another birthday party Joanna had to miss. This was the third one. Joanna had hoped to make it to Lily’s fourth birthday, but she died a few weeks before. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was to be festive for my daughter’s fourth birthday while I grieved my wife. Today it wasn’t as bad as that day, but it was still difficult.
“I wish Joanna was here to see this,” Patsy said next to me as we watched Lily play with the two friends she had. One child was a year younger than her and lived in our building. The other was a boisterous friend from school, who I was convinced liked Lily because she could dominate their play. While Lily seemed completely normal at home or with her grandparents, she was like a closed-up wallflower in school. Social anxiety is what the school counselor called it, and she assured me that most children grew out of it, although she said that Lily losing her mother might prolong the issue. She even suggested that my own grief could be contributing to her difficulties and that perhaps I should go to counseling. I’d do whatever Lily needed to be healthy emotionally and physically, but I couldn’t see the value in counseling for me. It wouldn’t bring Joanna back, which means I’d still feel sad and empty and lonely.
Turning my attention back to Patsy’s comment, I nodded and said, “She’d have liked the outfit.”
The knock on the door gave me the opportunity to pull my emotions back in order. That is until I opened the door and saw Bella.
She wore a red ribbon in her dark long hair, with a light blue shirt and yellow skirt. While she didn’t look like she was in a costume, there was no mistaking her attempt to be Snow White. She carried a princess gift bag.
She smiled brightly, making my chest feel warm and full. “Hi.”
“Hi, come in.”
She walked through the door. As she looked around, and I got the impression that she was trying not to gape. I followed her gaze and only saw my apartment. Then again, I was in a penthouse. Her entire apartment could fit in my bedroom.
“Bella!” Lily jumped up and ran to her.
I looked over at Patsy who had the same wonder in her eyes about Lily’s response to Bella as I did.
“Hi Lily. Happy Birthday.” Bella squatted down and hugged Lily. “I brought you a present. I hope you like it.”
Lily ignored the gift and instead stared at Bella. “You look like Snow White.”
Bella’s smile was wide. “I heard you like princesses. And look at you in your pretty purple princess dress.” Bella bowed her head, “Your Highness.”
Lily giggled, and for that alone, I’d have given Bella just about anything in the world she wanted. Anyone that could make my daughter happy, I’d be in their debt.
“Bella, I’m so glad you could come,” Patsy said.
Bella rose. “Thank you for having me.”
“This is my husband, Jim. Jim, this is Bella.”
“She makes sped-sheets too,” Lily said. She took Bella’s hand and pulled her toward her friends.
“It’s nice to meet you, Jim,” Bella said as Lily dragged her into the birthday festivities.
“She does have a pull on little Lily, doesn’t she?” Jim said, watching as Bella sat down next to Lily.
She wasn’t the only one, I thought. And with that, my nerves shook. God, please don’t let me do anything to give away how much I crave this woman.
“I think it’s time we get the party started, don’t you?” Patsy clapped her hands, eager to lead the show.
I had enough money that I could rent out a theater for a show or a kid’s fun spot. Or I could have hired a party planner and entertainment. If I was alone, I just might have done that. But, one thing that had been important to Joanna, even as the money from our business made us rich, was that holidays not lose their special intimacy. She made Lily’s Halloween costumes. She crafted many of the ornaments we had for the Christmas tree. And when it came to birthdays, they were generally small affairs in which she organized the activities and made all the goodies. When she died, Patsy stepped in taking over all the holiday and celebration duties.
