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“Bella—”
“No, Blake. I could accept the terms of our arrangement before, but I’m not marrying someone without love. I deserve more than that and so does my baby.”
“It’s my baby too.” My voice was harsher than I wanted, but she wasn’t going to push me out of my child’s life.
“Yes. And I hope you’ll be a part of its life.”
“That’s why we’ll get married. I can take care of you both.”
“God,” she said in an exasperated breath. “I’m not marrying you, Blake.”
“What?” Why did those words feel like a stab in my heart?
“Not because of a baby, I’m not. I still want what I’d first told you I wanted; a man who loves me and is devoted to me. And that’s not you. You said so yourself.”
“A baby changes things.”
She shook her head. “No, it doesn’t. My mother raised me alone. I can do the same.”
“Dammit Bella, I’m the father. You’re not taking this child away from me.” I was feeling a little desperate.
“I won’t. Blake. We’ll co-parent as millions of others do.”
“You just want my money? Is that it?” I didn’t know where that came from. I was angry, hurt, and wondering why she couldn’t accept that marriage was the best thing for all of us.
If I had slapped her, she couldn’t have looked more stricken. “I didn’t do this on purpose, and I don’t want your money or anything from you.”
“Fuck… that’s not what I meant. Of course, I’ll help, Bella, but it will be better if we married.”
“Better for who, Blake? Kids need both parents, but they don’t need them to be in the same house. And how do you think it will be for a child to have a mother who knows its father doesn’t love her because he’s in love with someone else? I can already see the guilt and self-loathing because you feel like you’ve betrayed your wife with me. I don’t want our child to see that every day. Will you even love it as much because Joanna isn’t its mother?”
Her words felt cruel, and I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but couldn’t form the words. Of course, I’d love my child. But I couldn’t be sure Joanna wouldn’t affect any family I tried to create with Bella.
Finally, I took a deep breath. “We don’t have to decide all this now.”
“I’m not changing my mind, Blake.”
Knowing I wasn’t going to win this argument, I moved on. “Do you need anything? Why did you faint?”
“I stood up too fast. And no, I don’t need anything. They’re going to discharge me and I’ll go home and rest.”
“I’ll get us a car and anything you need.”
She shook her head. “I’d rather go home alone, Blake.”
“Bella.”
“Remember when you said that if this got too uncomfortable for me, we could end it? I think under the circumstances, that part of our relationship needs to end.” She looked so sad and vulnerable, but her eyes held a determination.
There was one part of me that felt relieved that she didn’t want me with her now, and yet my heart felt like it was being crushed by an anvil.
“I’m not going anywhere, Bella. I promise not to touch you anymore, but I won’t abandon you or the child.”
“I know.” She looked so tired. What I needed to do was give her some time. I needed time as well. I didn’t know how this was going to work. Or what the fallout from everyone finding out about me and Bella and the baby would be. But as the proverbial saying goes, I made my bed and now I had to lie in it.
.
Bella
I never needed my mother as much as I needed her now. I didn’t need her advice about Blake. I was steadfast in my decision that marriage wasn’t in the cards for us. I meant what I said about being able to accept an affair, but I wouldn’t marry without love.
What I needed my mother was for support and comfort because I was scared out of my wits and felt so alone. Back in my little apartment, curled up on the couch that we conceived our baby on. I cried, tried to pull myself together, and cried some more.
I didn’t cry so much because of the baby, but because of Blake. If there was a moment for him to realize he felt anything beyond lust for me, learning I was pregnant was it. But he didn’t feel anything more for me. The baby was a problem in his eyes. And while his solution would bind me to him in marriage, that wasn’t love. That wasn’t what I wanted for myself or my child no matter how much I cared for him.
Aside from having to live in the shadow of his wife, agreeing to marry him for the sake of the baby would eventually lead to him resenting me. I wondered how he could love my baby as much as Joanna’s considering the difference in the way they were conceived and his feelings about their mothers. He looked a little stricken when I said that to him, but he never denied the possibility.
