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“I thought you’d be upset,” I said when I pulled away.
“No. I’ll admit, it might be hard to see another woman have what Joanna wanted, but we also know that Joanna wanted you to be happy. Even with a new woman. We want that for you too.”
“Jesus… I am in love with her.”
Patsy laughed. “Yes. You are. Now, what are you going to do about it?”
What I had to do about it was to talk to Bella. I had to tell her how I was feeling and that I wanted to be a part of her and the baby’s life. But there was one more thing I had to do before I could tell her that.
Realizing I’d fallen for Bella didn’t immediately alleviate the emotional attachment to my wife or my guilt. But I knew that if I was going to have a future with Bella, I had to deal with my feelings about Joanna. Which was why early on Saturday morning, with Lily off with her grandparents, I found myself at my wife’s gravesite.
I set the flowers I bought on her grave, wiping away the leaves and other debris. I straightened and studied her gravestone.
Joanna Alexander. Loving Daughter, Wife, Mother.
“Promise me, Blake, that you’ll live. Don’t be afraid to love again too.”
“How can you ask me to do that?”
“Because you have so much love to give and you shouldn’t be alone. Because I want you to be happy.”
“You want me to be with another woman?”
She laughed weakly. “Not right now, no. But someday, yes. I’ll be gone. I can’t bear that you’ll be alone.”
“I’ll have Lily and your folks.”
She gave me a pointed look. “What about romance? Intimacy? Sex?”
“I don’t need it.”
“Blake. Everyone needs it. And you will too. Maybe not for a while, but don’t turn your back on a good woman. I want you to be loved. I want you to live and do all the things we planned.”
Ultimately, I promised her I’d love and live, but only to appease her. I felt guilty about that too. Fuck. Everything all of my memories of Joanna involved guilt. She’d hate that. If there was a heaven, she was there shaking her head in disappointment.
“You must wish you could knock me upside the head,” I said to her gravestone. “I’ve been fucked up, Jo.”
I squatted down as if that would get me closer to her. “I’ve met a woman. She… she bewitched me.” I laughed. “You’d have loved that. Watching me scramble to get control of what I couldn’t control.” I wiped a stray tear. “I love her. I never thought I’d love again. I guess you knew better. You always did.”
I paused, even though there would be no reply.
“Her name is Bella. Christ, she’s nearly half my age. You’re probably laughing your ass off about that too. But she’s smart. She’s the reason we’re about to ship our product to France, just like you wanted. And she’s wonderful with Lily. Lily is taken with her too.”
I tilted my head to the side in thought. “I don’t suppose you sent her our way?” I didn’t believe in the paranormal or angelic intervention, and yet if Joanna could influence things from wherever she was, I could see her doing so, especially if I wasn’t doing what she wanted.
“She’s pregnant.” I inwardly scoffed at myself. How did a forty-year-old man accidentally knock someone up? “I plan to be with her, if she’ll have me. I think you’d like her, Jo. She’s strong and doesn’t put up with my bullshit. But it’s hard because we, you and me, we were supposed to be together forever. I hate that you’re not here to see how Lily has grown and the success of our business. But you are gone. It’s been a miserable life without you. Until Bella. I need to grab on to her, Jo. For me and Lily. I know you understand. I know this is what you wanted.”
I straightened. The logical part of me knew this exercise was for me and not for her. But I hoped she heard me and understood. Knowing her, she was probably saying, “It’s about damn time.”
“I love you, honey.” I pressed my hand to the tombstone for a moment. Then I backed away as I made the move to stop living in my grief and grab onto life.
Bella
Normally, I really liked my job and rarely knew what to do with myself during my off time. But I had to admit that I was glad when the weekend came. I needed a respite from Blake. I was glad he was eager to be a part of the baby’s life but also felt heartbroken that his devotion didn’t extend to me. It made it difficult to be around him.
I had two days to be alone and figure out what I wanted to do. Should I look for a new job in spite of his very good arguments for why I should stay at JoXander? Did I need to make plans to get a bigger place and if so, where would I go? I couldn’t afford a larger apartment in the city. Blake would probably help financially with housing, and while it was his baby too, I found it hard to think about taking money from him.
