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Who do I want to be? Jake’s wife? Shep’s girlfriend?
“Emma,” Jake said softly behind her.
She turned and stared into Jake’s pained eyes. The truth was, at one time, she wanted this. She wanted him to hurt like she hurt. Yet now, she didn’t want any of this. Tears rimmed her eyes, and she glanced back out at Bentley, who watched her, while Tadgh was at the trough eating hay.
Jake sat next to her. His lip wasn’t bleeding anymore, but the skin was puffy and red. He rested his hands on his knees, glancing sideways at her. “I take it you were with that guy.”
Her heart squeezed. She never wanted to hurt anyone. God, she knew how that felt, and the fact that she was responsible for both Jake’s and Shep’s pain right now gutted her. “I thought—”
“You don’t need to explain, Emma.” Jake placed a hand on her back, and that touch was so comfortable, so familiar. “I hurt you. That’s on me.” He lowered his hand from her back, his elbows resting on his bent knees. “I’m only hoping I’m not too late to fix my wrongs.”
She noticed he wore the engagement ring on his pinky finger. Two months ago, she would’ve given anything to have had Jake propose to her. Part of her wanted to reach down and claim that ring and the marriage with Jake. She’d have an exciting life. She could return to New York City, get her job back, be the woman she was for so long. The woman she knew most of all. Another part of her couldn’t take that step.
As if sensing that, Jake twined his fingers with hers and said, “This guy can’t mean what I mean to you, Emma. We’ve been together a year. You barely know him.”
That was the insanity of all this. Emma had so much more time with Jake than Shep, but time didn’t seem to be a factor. She knew everything there was to know about Shep because he hid nothing. His past, his family, his struggles; he’d laid it all out there. For a man who had a hard time sharing parts of himself, or so Jenny had said, Shep had been completely unguarded.
A sudden finger tucked under her chin drew her gaze to Jake’s. His eyes were troubled, voice strained. “Please tell me what you’re thinking. You’re killing me here.”
“I don’t even know what I’m thinking,” she admitted, tears welling in her eyes, her heart being torn in two directions, ripped to shreds.
“Ah, baby.” Jake wrapped an arm around her, and she leaned into him. This felt right, it did, and that made it all the more confusing. Somehow, she thought if she saw Jake again, everything would feel wrong. It didn’t. Her heart warmed in his comfort. He felt like home to her as much as Shep’s burning possessive kiss felt like home too.
“If I could go back to that day in the office, I would,” Jake added, resting his chin on the top of her head. “I should have told John right then that I planned to propose to you, but I can’t go back. What’s done is done. All we can do now is move forward. Will you forgive me?”
She leaned away, glancing into his warm eyes, feeling all the good memories between them. “I’m not even sure there is anything to forgive anymore,” she admitted, without thinking about it. Because that was one thing she did know. Anger wasn’t in her emotional inventory right now. “You’re here, you’ve apologized, and you’re sincere, I see that. What more is there to forgive?” Staring at him now, she wanted to melt into his embrace. She had loved her nights with Jake. Sure, he wasn’t erotic like Shep, or open like him, but they had common ground, and that was business. While her conversations with Shep seemed to run deeper, she and Jake talked about the world, about business, about politics, about New York City, and that wasn’t any less special, just different.
Jake dipped his head, bringing his eyes to her level. “Then if you forgive me, why haven’t you said yes to me?”
That was a loaded question, and she couldn’t even begin to explain why she couldn’t form those words. “Everything has changed,” was the only reply she could give him.
He squeezed her hand, staring deeply at her. “Nothing has changed. I love you, Emma. Come home.”
Home. New York City was home. That was the place she grew up, her family was there, her hopes and dreams were made there. All the same, as she glanced around, spotting the goats in field, hopping about, the horses in the sand ring, this was home too. She understood what Shep meant when he said he’d come home from LA and his family brought him back from the darkness, because that’s what Grams’s farm had done for her too. All the love that she experienced here, all the happy memories with Grams, kept her from drowning in the sadness. But the animals meant even more—that no matter how broken you were, how mistreated you had been, there were always good people waiting to envelop you in their warmth. That’s what Grams had been to so many animals. And maybe that’s why Grams left Emma the house. Perhaps she knew that at some point Emma would need to experience that message too.
Jake brought her hand to his mouth and kissed her palm. “I want you with me, Emma. Always.”
Her heart craved to reach for him. She ached for him to take her into his arms and hold her, because then she’d feel better, she’d be home. And yet, again, she simply couldn’t reach out for him; something stood in the way. This was more than a big misunderstanding, she knew that. And at the same time, she couldn’t quite put all the pieces together to figure out why she couldn’t say yes to Jake. People made mistakes. Maybe that’s all this all was, a big mistake that Jake now regretted.
Needing to get away and breathe for a moment, she rose, moving to the fence where Bentley and Tadgh stood, tears flooding her cheeks. God, how desperate she was to get away from it all. The pain. The questions that needed answering. She never thought she could be in a worse situation than when she’d left New York City, though life had a way of always proving her wrong and upping the ante. The man she had shared a year with was right there behind her. She could touch him if she wanted.
Then her heart screamed, Shep.
She shut her eyes, feeling pulled not by having to pick a man, but by having to pick a life. River Rock or New York City, she could have either. Both fit, both felt right, and yet she couldn’t have both.
“I need an answer, Emma,” Jake said behind her.
A stomp against the ground reopened her eyes. After a blink to clear the tears, she spotted Bentley snorting, his nostrils flaring, his head high. Emma turned, wondering what had spooked him, and found Jake sidling up to her, not even looking at Bentley, his eyes focused on the ring on his pinky finger. Though Bentley stared straight at Jake, his ears were perked forward, eyes bright and untrusting. She’d seen this look on him before, the very first time she put the halter on him, and then he brought Shep into her life.
The strain inside began to lift, a slow smile erasing the tears. Sometimes finding answers to tough questions was hard. And then sometimes, every so often, they were right there in front of you, waiting to be seen, as long as you didn’t miss them.
This time, Emma wasn’t missing anything. Everything was crystal clear.
* * *
Back at Chase’s house, Shep stood in the front window, staring off at the mountains. The land beneath those mountains would soon belong to Clint. His brothers and mother were in the kitchen, examining the books that Shep had studied himself. They all needed to come to the decision on their own, but he knew the inevitable was upon them. They would sell the land and provide for their employees and their mother. Even with that weighing on him, his mind stayed on Emma. He wasn’t a fool. He knew she cared for Jake, and he knew there was a good chance she’d soon be on her way back to New York City.
A slow ache across his hand had him glancing down. There were cuts along his knuckles, and he suspected his hand would be tender tomorrow. The pain was nothing compared to what lay within his chest. He had wanted to fix everything, had tried to keep everything neat and tidy, and everything had fallen apart. The only thing he ended up fixing was the damn horse.
