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He stared at me, knowingly. “In the car accident?” Of course he’d catch on quick, he was a cop after all.
I nodded and forced the tremble in my chin to stop. I hadn’t cried over their deaths in years, let alone thought of them. I avoided the topic like the plague and didn’t plan for that to change. But it hadn’t been the topic that made these uneasy emotions rise to the surface, it was Kipp’s gaze on mine, the way his eyes said, “It’s all right for you to cry.”
The support and comfort sounded nice and all, but leaning on him couldn’t happen. I had enough trouble on my plate and looking to him to heal my pain wasn’t an option I wanted to explore.
“I’m sorry I had to go about it that way,” Max said. “But it was the only explanation I could come up with for having you join our ranks on such short notice. It’s easy for me to pass off that you’re part of a support group to give aid to people who have lost loved ones.”
I hastily hid every emotion. “No, it’s fine, it makes sense. It just surprised me is all.”
“You can’t run and hide forever, you know.” Kipp’s stare remained intent, but now his gaze held a rigid determination.
My blood boiled. Who was he to say how I dealt with my pain? Ignoring it had always been how I got through my days. I had never once dealt with it, never experienced the stages of grief. Instead, I just trudged on and it worked fine for me.
Before I could release my wrath, he interjected, “I understand more than you think.”
I hadn’t expected him to say that. “Calm down. Don’t blow your lid.” That’s what I thought he would come back with. Not him sharing a similar story. I shouldn’t have been curious, but I shouldn’t have been a lot of things. “How?”
His eyes filled with sadness as they glazed over, lost in a memory. “My mother died from breast cance
r and my father followed a year later from a heart attack.”
I had to wonder what would’ve been worse. In my case, I lost both my parents all at once. Here one day, gone the next. To have to suffer the pain of losing a loved one on two separate occasions, I doubted I could’ve handled it. “When?”
Kipp blinked and his gaze became steady and strong. “Ten years ago. I’ve had years to deal with their deaths and it’s taken that long to accept that they’re gone. Trust me, holding on to the pain isn’t going to help you. You need to allow yourself to grieve.”
Caley had said the same thing to me a thousand times. Telling me it was all right to be upset for what happened to them and I didn’t need to be strong all the time. But I never allowed myself the right, never wanted to live in the state of mourning, and just because Kipp had been through a similar situation didn’t mean I would change my mind. He needed to prove to me that his way had been worth it, because in my eyes, ignoring my heartache sounded much easier. “Why?”
Zach chuckled. “How. When. Why. What’s next, who?”
Kipp ignored the comment, as did I. He trailed a finger along my cheek and the icy touch sent a shiver down my spine. “It’ll begin to eat you alive and that’d be a damn shame. Do you want to live your life surrounded by such shadows?”
For once, someone else understood my pain, but that didn’t mean I’d deal with it like he suggested, he hadn’t proved his point. He only said he had accepted it and I couldn’t ever do that. My family was gone. Nothing I did would ever bring them back.
I lifted my chin in defiance and stared at him to prove my point that how I dealt with it had been the right choice. “What works for you doesn’t work for me.” I glanced at Zach. “Can we move along? I don’t want to spend my entire day surrounded by stinkin’ cops.”
Laughter echoed in the room.
No amusement showed in Kipp’s gaze. His expression gave nothing away, but his eyes swarmed with questions. I tried to care nothing about what he held on his mind. A feeble battle. I might wish the deaths of family didn’t cause a permanent ache in my heart and that I didn’t have feelings for the ghost in front of me. But both were undeniably true.
But I’d do what I always did—try to stuff the emotions away and forget about it. I attempted to force the wall of denial up and I strode toward the table.
As I sat down, the door opened and Eddie entered with coffees in hand. “Mornin’, all. I’ve got the goods.”
“A sight for sore eyes,” Max said.
Eddie placed the coffees on the table, and after taking one, he sat beside me. “Pleasure to see you again, ma’am.”
I wanted to respond to his pleasantry, but was afraid if I opened my mouth, I’d laugh. Doing the only thing I could, I nodded. Thank you, Eddie, for slicing through the tension.
Max took a sip of the coffee from the paper cup. “Kipp’s here with you, right, Tess?”
“Oh yeah, he’s here,” I glanced at Eddie and held back my laugh, “and you’re sitting on his lap.”
Eddie shot straight up and his coffee flew through the air to soak the floor. “I thought it felt cold.”
“You should’ve just seen your face.” My restrained laughter burst from my chest. “So funny.” I glanced back at Kipp and instantly my amusement vanished. He looked down at his hands and sadness oozed off every part of him. “Um, are you okay?”
“Okay with what?” Max asked.
