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A wrinkle marred his forehead. “My thoughts exactly.”
“Well …” She ran her hands over the soft blanket beneath her. “I went to Chains for research. I thought if I learned how it all worked, then it would be easier for me to understand the mind of a sexual sadist.”
One eyebrow arched. “Did it?”
She recalled that eye-opening experience. Lord, what she’d learned through that assignment had both changed her life and made her aware of her limits. “Yeah, and what I saw I didn’t like.”
“You’re not a masochist,” Aidan agreed.
“Yep, I figured that out pretty quick.” She remembered the iciness in her veins when she watched knife play. While she understood why some people enjoyed it, and she respected their right to do it, edge play never interested her. “From my experience at Chains and through all the research, I learned the difference between safe, sane, and consensual and abuse.” At his unfamiliar stillness to observe her, she looked to the fire. “By the time I finished the report, an interest grew to experience the safe, sane, and consensual.”
“
You liked the kink?”
Chuckling, she turned to him, gazing over the shadows on the contours of his face. “I loved the kink.”
His body tilted toward her, and he paused to examine her. “How did wanting to experience kink move into realizing that you were submissive?”
Cora became trapped under his stare. He’d never been so attentive. She couldn’t restrain her smile. Who knew Aidan enjoyed learning about her life? She mulled over his question, recalling the moment she made the choice to accept a power exchange, instead of playing with kink in the bedroom. To give up her choices and fall into a Dom’s command had been a progression. “It happened with Porter.”
“What happened?”
“When I first got into the lifestyle it all unnerved me,” Cora admitted, glancing down to her hands resting loosely in her lap. “I guess I looked a little like Presley did when she first joined the club, wide-eyed and scared shitless.”
He chuckled. “I would’ve liked to have seen you that way.”
She laughed with him. “Oh, I’m sure it was amusing for all.” Her smile faded and she shrugged. “But with Porter, he built this level of trust between us that I never knew possible. He made me feel …”
“Safe?” Aidan offered.
“Exactly.” Lord, she had never known trust like that, where she depended on a man who held her like glass, always careful not to let her break. “He never asked me to give up control. At first we played in scenes in a fun way, staying comfortable within the limits I set out, which, let me tell you, were a lot.”
“Pretty normal for a newbie.”
She agreed with a nod. “I started watching other scenes in the club, and saw where Doms were taking their subs. Where I could see them mentally screaming to stop, but because they allowed someone else the control, they stayed quiet.” Her heart swelled with the happy memories. “And I saw where that took them. How they looked after the scene, with that glow of satisfaction.”
“You wanted that?”
She raised her brows. “Who wouldn’t want that?”
He chuckled.
She smiled, too, and added, “The relationship I built with Porter allowed me to let my guard down. And that helped me realize that giving someone that kind of control didn’t mean I lost myself; rather, it meant I found something more, something deeper emotionally.”
Aidan gave her a grin that encouraged her to go on. “What did you find?”
She focused on his mouth and his honest smile. “It fulfilled me in a way I didn’t expect.” The response on his face made her hesitate, and then she looked to the fire. She loved when he looked at her that way. “I’ve always been driven, and it gave me peace to have someone else take care of me. That whenever I stepped foot into the club, I could let it all go.”
He brushed a finger over her hand, bringing her attention to him. She continued, “Most of all, I loved how my gift of submission meant more than a sexual act. The feeling of being appreciated … it made things better for me.”
“You know you deserve that, Cora,” he said with an emotion-rich voice. “You deserve to feel all those things.”
“I know.” That had never been a question in her mind. How could any woman not feel incredible while with a man who paid attention to her every move? She glanced down to his hand over hers and she flipped her hand over, giving his fingers a squeeze. “Even if I don’t love Porter that way, I’ll be forever grateful to him. I wouldn’t be the submissive I am today without the trust he built in me.”
“Look at me, Cora.” Her gaze cut to him when his fingers tightened around hers, and he added, “Porter allowed you to be who you are and opened your life to new possibilities. But you became that person by choice and should own that. Don’t forget about the strong woman you really are.”
Her eyes became teary, and she yanked her hand from his. Stop that, Cora! With a harsh breath, she controlled the flare of heady emotion. “Don’t worry, I’m still the same person.” She winked, forcing a smirk. “Maybe just a little wiser.”
