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1
Stephanie
The room was quiet, barren except for the wooden shelves and the smell of paper and leather that bound the pages. I really loved the library, not only because I loved the books that it housed, but also for the solitude it provided me. I looked under the table and noticed next to my pink Chucks with scuffed toes a pair of shiny, black, Italian leather boots, immaculate in every way. Even our footwear showed how opposite we were. I never knew why he bothered to accompany me to the library. He didn’t really read. He would just work on song lyrics or melodies that would play on repeat in his mind and wait patiently until I was ready to leave. I spent hours in the library just looking at him, desperately trying to make sure he didn’t notice my lingering and overindulgent stares. He’d always been a gorgeous boy, dark wisps of hair falling into his green eyes, eyes made even brighter against the contrast of his olive complexion. I loved how the right side of his mouth would twitch right before he’d laugh hysterically. But the quirk I loved most was how he’d tap his long fingers on the table as he worked on his music, his eyes furrowed in concentration. He was so handsome, and I didn’t mean just a good-looking boy who girls crushed on. No. He had the kind of good looks that would make movie stars weep in envy. The worst part was, he didn’t even know how attractive he was—which just made him that more desirable.
I had no idea why he liked hanging out with me, but from the tender age of eight, Luca and I had been best friends, completely inseparable. One look at each other, and we were off laughing and playing from that day forward. When I turned thirteen, I started to develop feelings for him, feelings that made me touch myself and kiss my pillow, pretending it was him kissing me back passionately. All of it pathetic childhood crush stuff, really. Luca grew more and more beautiful every day, and yet he never left my side.
It was in college when he really began to shine. All of a sudden, our world of two disintegrated people began to notice what a standout Luca was. He was always in the spotlight, and I felt like the understudy, waiting in the shadow of the lead actor. It wasn’t just best friends Luca and Steph anymore, but Luca and the plain Jane who tagged along for the ride. I wasn’t sure whether it was out of loyalty or comfort that he still hung out with me. Everyone needed an occasional reality check. I guessed I was his.
He never hung out with the cool kids. He chose to come to the library and sit there quietly while I read or did homework. I didn’t know why he was still there beside me, but I was grateful for his company. I pictured myself as a worn-out old sweater that Luca insisted on keeping, even though he had the designer brands and luxurious cashmere overflowing his wardrobe. I was plain Steph, and he was a bona fide celebrity. But no matter how popular he got, he never left me behind.
“Party tonight at Alpha Sigma Pi. You in?” Luca’s melodic voice gently brought me back to the present.
“Nah, I think I’m going to stay home and read or something,” I said.
I really didn’t want to accompany him to another party where he felt like he had to babysit me. I wanted him to enjoy his newfound glory. No one wanted me there anyway. Generally when we went to parties, I felt how they looked at me, wondering why we were together. If it was because he took pity on me and I was nothing more than Luca’s charity case. It felt like I was holding him back; I should stay his past, not become a weight he felt obligated to carry with him everywhere.
“Steph, I’m not going if you’re not. You know I need my muse. You’re my good luck charm.” He looked at me with his emerald eyes and cocky grin. Luca was lighthearted, and his confidence was apparent in all that he said and did.
“You should go.”
“We should go. It’s Friday night. We’re freshman. Just live a little. Have some fun! Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in college?”
Easy for him to say. He was the life of the party. Socializing for Luca was fun and easy. For me it was painful and a constant reminder that I didn’t measure up.
“You just had to go there, didn’t you?”
“Aw Steph, please. I really want you there tonight. I need you.”
Need. He said it so casually, but he didn’t know the beginning of it. Need was what I felt whenever I thought of him. It was my desire to always be in his life, no matter what, even if it meant in the most minute way.
