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“What’s it like down there?” I asked.
“Why, you still not paying attention in class? Gonna flunk yourself to the underworld?” His voice was gently amused, and I snuggled closer to him.
“I don’t think so. My grades have gotten better. I guess I’m asking what it was like for you. All the stories they tell around here imply that once you get turned and brainwashed, there’s no coming back from it.” I tilted my head up to study the soft expression resting on his handsome face. “But you did.”
He looked away from me but held me close to his body and stroked my shoulder. “There’s a lot of different kinds of brainwashing. Magical… which I guess doesn’t work on me. Drugs… also a no go. I had a wild phase back in the day, so I guess I’m immune now. Manipulation… my ma was a master manipulator. I saw through that shit in a heartbeat. No effect.”
I was still absently tracing his scars. He looked down at my hand, then followed my finger with his own.
“If all else fails, there’s torture. If they can get you to at least accept what they’re doing verbally, and then go do it to avoid more of the pain, they know you’ll brainwash yourself eventually. Gotta justify it, right? Then keep justifying it.” He breathed a shuddering sigh.
“Did you?”
“What, justify it? Nah. Never could stomach it. But I watched it happen. A guy went down there same time as me. Just as outraged, just as anti-Gavriel as I was, just as resistant to the softer kinds of brainwashing. Then the torture started.” Xero shifted slightly as if the memory brought him pain. I pressed my palm over his heart and he laid his hand on top of mine.
“He lasted a while. Then he broke. He started recruiting for Gavriel. Didn’t put much into it at first; guess he figured if he didn’t try too hard then the prey would have a chance to get away, and he wouldn’t have to bear the burden of that guilt. Then he caught somebody, and he decided if they really hadn’t wanted to get caught, they would’ve run a little faster. He wasn’t even trying, so it wasn’t his fault.”
I winced. “That’s some devious shit. I guess it escalated from there.”
Xero nodded. “It was the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed,” he said quietly. “And I’ve seen some shit.”
We were quiet for a moment. “What about you?” I asked. “You said you couldn’t stomach it, but wouldn’t they have killed you if you’d been useless?”
Xero smirked briefly. “Had them convinced that I was better at recon than recruiting. That’s how I found out about the school and figured out where it was and everything. Sent them to Antarctica looking for it before I came up here.”
I chuckled. “Nice. You know, for spending a couple decades down there, you seem to have made it through okay.”
His eyes went hazy and distant. He shook his head. “I left a piece of myself down there. I used to believe that I was a good person, no matter what. If I did something, I had a reason to do it, and my intentions were always pure. I convinced myself of that. I held righteous indignation close and whipped it out whenever I saw injustice. I was loud. I was cocky. I was confident.”
“Xero,” I murmured, pressing my lips to his collarbone. “You’re still a good person. No matter what. Trust me. I can literally sense things like that now.”
He smiled down at me and wrapped me up in both of his arms, rolling me half on top of him to kiss my mouth. Mutual understanding turned sparks into fireworks, and our kiss deepened as the comforting, dangerous scent of fire infused my nostrils.
I rubbed against him, my body already demanding another round with this beautiful man. I’d wanted him for so long, needed him for so long—and now that I truly knew him, cared for him as a person, that need had morphed into something I didn’t even have a word for.
Before we could really get going though, there was a heavy knock on the door.
“Damn,” Xero said, pulling away from me reluctantly. “Who can that be?”
He grabbed a sheet and pulled the comforter over my body, but before he could stand, the door swung open.
“Um, excuse me?” I sat up, keeping the blanket pressed to my chest. “Barge in much?”
If he’d lost his indignation, I had enough for the both of us. But the two assistants ignored me entirely, looking instead at Xero.
“Xero, get dressed. You’re coming with us.”
I expected Xero to ask questions, fight back, or at least make conversation to figure out what was going on. Instead, he stared at them in silence for a moment, shifted his gaze to me briefly, and then nodded. Sadness and resignation burned in his eyes.
It broke my heart.
Now that I knew which piece was missing, I could see the gaping hole.
Chapter Twenty-One
The assistants remained in the doorway while Xero and I quickly dressed ourselves.
“Where are you taking him?” I demanded.
