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He blinked at me, like he couldn’t believe what I’d just asked. Well, that makes two of us.
My heart thudded hard against my ribs as I waited to hear his answer. He stepped toward me, his hands sliding down my arms just a fraction. But that small movement was like a flint striking, sending little sparks dancing across my skin. We were less than a foot apart, our bodies closer than they’d been in the dance studio, and I could feel the whisper of his breath against my face as he spoke.
“Yes. More than anything, Tal.”
“Why didn’t you say anything before now then?”
He shook his head, still staring down at me in the dim light like he was afraid I’d disappear if he blinked. “Because I was an idiot and an asshole. And then I didn’t think you’d give me the chance. I thought you hated us.”
“I do.”
The words left my lips, and we both knew they were true. But that didn’t stop my body from wanting to mold against his, didn’t stop the sparks from stoking a fire that burned all the way from my chest down to my core.
I shook my head, determined not to be blinded this time. To look at him and see what he really was.
My palms drifted up to rest on his chest, and I felt his heart slamming against them, harder than my own thudding pulse.
“If you really want to unbreak what you broke, then you have to prove to me you’ve changed, Finn. I’m not sure it’ll ever be enough.” My hands fisted his shirt, like they were trying to draw the truth out of him, to find the person I’d thought he was under all the layers of mistrust and bullshit. “You guys were so fucking good at the lie. You went out of your way for me. You protected me. And in the end, it was all so you could hurt me. So I don’t know how to believe anything you say, and I’m not sure I ever will. But if you really want to try to unbreak this, that’s all you can do. Show me. Over and over and over again. And maybe one day, I’ll believe you.”
My heart hurt saying the words. I wasn’t kidding about keeping my guard up, but even allowing for the possibility that I might one day forgive him felt dangerous. Because in saying it, I was admitting that part of me still cared about him.
His hands moved down to my waist, his touch almost hesitant. He didn’t answer, just stared down at me with that same disbelieving look, his gaze tracking over my face like he was trying to memorize my features.
We stayed like that for way too long, in a strange sort of embrace, our bodies brushing together, our breaths evening out into a single rhythm, gazes locked. Finally, I pushed against his chest, and he released me immediately.
He bit his lip and nodded as I stepped back, but before I turned away, I hesitated.
“You didn’t break me, Finn. I’m still here, aren’t I? But you broke my trust. And I’ve only given that to a few people in my entire life.”
“I know.” His voice was deep, rougher and so much more serious than the boy I’d known last year.
It occurr
ed to me as I walked back down the hall toward the party that maybe I wasn’t the only one who’d been irrevocably changed by what the Princes had done.
By the time Monday rolled around, I knew something had shifted.
It wasn’t just the fact that Finn was back in the studio with me during gym, new phone in hand, watching me with hopeful eyes. It wasn’t just the fact that he sat next to me in American Literature, scooting his desk a little closer to mine.
It was the fact that a rift seemed to have opened up between the Princes.
They still sat together at lunch, still walked across campus together in a straight row, still gathered together in the halls. But where so often before, the four of them had seemed like a singular being, some kind of beautiful, multi-headed monster, now they were… divided.
Distinctly separate.
Tense.
Chapter 14
As the rest of the week passed, the tension between the Princes didn’t lessen. If anything, it became more obvious, more overt. I’d noticed it right away because I was—for better or for worse—deeply attuned to each one of the Princes.
But other students noticed it too, particularly Adena, who used the division between them to push back even harder against their control of the school. Preston was becoming a regular fixture at her side, and the two of them started bullying other students, particularly the freshmen and sophomores, probably trying to get the littlest fish in line before they went after the big ones.
I wasn’t particularly inclined to stop her, except that her rebellion against the Princes also included being more of a bitch to me. She was sneaky about it though—she wasn’t dumb—only going after me when none of the four guys was around to see.
Philip called me on Thursday to ask if I’d meet with him again. I agreed, with the same terms as the previous time—I got to decide where we went, and I got to decide what we talked about. This time though, I didn’t press for more details about my mom or Jacqueline or any of the fucked up mess that was my family life. Instead, we talked about stupid stuff, like what kinds of movies we liked, what our favorite foods were, and what places we’d been—Philip—or wanted to go—me.
I wouldn’t have thought I’d have much in common with a guy in his early seventies, but we had the most important thing in common. Blood. And Philip actually had a pretty hilarious, dry sense of humor when he came out of his shell a bit. He still looked a bit haggard, with heavy bags under his eyes, but his entire face changed when he talked excitedly or laughed at something I said.
