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His eyes close and his nostrils flare as he breathes in deep. After his eyes reopen he leans in, cupping my face and bringing his even closer to mine. “I swear on everything that no one has ever called me that, and for many reasons. First and foremost because I never needed to hear it from anyone but you. Second, because there isn’t anyone else, hasn’t been for years. I’ve been more focused on the business and keeping you safe, in a paternal way and nothing else…I swear, until your eighteenth birthday. That’s when something changed. Seeing you that day as a woman, yet still with all the inquisitiveness of a little girl did something to me. I started to have thoughts I never imagined before, before you. And it was then I knew my life could never be complete without you.” He pauses. “Are you embarrassed by what I said? By what you said?”
“No.” I blow out hard. “I’m just confused.”
“Hey,” he says wrapping me up in a hug before I feel my feet come clean off the ground. Seconds later I’m on his lap in the living room and he’s turned my body so we’re looking each other in the eye again. “We’re going to get through this together. I’ll lead the way but you’ll always be in control too, always have veto power over anything you don’t want to be a part of.”
“Like what? You have things already planned out?”
“No, but I have had thoughts. I’d like to explore them somewhat spontaneously, as they come up and as it makes sense.”
Here I am sitting and part of me is trying to figure out if this really happened and the other part of me is tugging in the other direction wondering just what in the world the future has in store via his thoughts. And mine.
And we still haven’t even addressed the eight-hundred-pound gorilla in the room. “Dad,” I say. “What about him?”
Logan’s body slides back into the seat and because he’s so big it takes me with him. I wrap my arms around his neck, trying to balance myself…and also because I feel so small, so safe, so protected in this plush chair which we’ve practically melted into.
“Like you’ve already said, you’re an adult now and you can make your own choices.”
“We both know it’s not that easy, Logan.”
“I thought we picked a new name for me.”
I want to be angry, but I just can’t be. But as my mind slips back into the direction he’s pushing me the little girl in me comes back out and he’s right there to give her what she needs.
“Everything is going to be okay, sweetie. Daddy’s going to make sure of it. Don’t you worry your pretty little head one bit.”
“But what about my father?”
“Let me handle him.”
“Right away?” I question, my head jerking back.
“Not yet. He’s going to need some time. Until then this will have to remain our little secret.”
My body flushes with heat. “Secret?”
“Our secret and you can’t tell anyone.”
“Are you—“
“Embarrassed? Don’t you ever say that,” he interrupts, but he’s right on point. He knew what I was going to say. “It’s just that some people, like your father, are not going to understand what we have. We are direct about everything, and that is my typical way of doing things as you know, but in this case, neither one of us wants to lose what we have with your father. We both know him and we both know he’s going to need time. But as soon as I sense he’s ready I’m going to tell him and yell it from the mountaintops for all the world to hear because baby girl I’m so damn proud to have you as mine. Daddy has never been so happy in his life and all those good feelings start with his little.”
I’m hypnotized by his promise and thrilled that we’re going to be playing a game now. He drags his thumb across my cheek. “I am little, aren’t I?” I ask.
“Absolutely, my little one. And you know what else you are?”
“What Daddy?”
“Mine. Mine all mine.”
I swallow hard, butterflies taking flight in my stomach just before I feel nauseous, knowing I’m not really ready to admit this but I just can’t hold it back.
“Daddy?”
“Yes, darling.”
“I’ve always wanted you to be my first,” I spit out, just getting it out before my thoughts interfere.
I feel his grip on me tighten.
