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“Why do you think that is?”
I looked into his eyes. It was the first time anyone had actually asked me that. “Hell, I don’t know, Sam. Maybe because she died walking down the aisle and there was nothing I could do. We didn’t even get a chance to start a life together.”
He never once broke my stare. “Or is it because in a small way, you felt relieved she died and that has filled you with guilt.”
My hands balled into fists as anger surged through my body. “Fuck you, Thompson. I loved your sister and wanted to marry her. Why in the hell would I have wanted her to die?”
He let out a soft laugh. “Oh, I know you loved her, and she loved you. But I don’t think either one of you wanted to admit you loved each other for the wrong reasons.”
I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. His words rattled my entire body.
“What in the hell are you talking about?” I asked.
Sam turned and faced Savannah’s grave.
“Thano, I want you to really dig down deep and think about this. The two of you were together since high school and all through college. When you asked Savannah to marry you, was it truly because you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, or was it because you felt it was your sense of duty? Kind of like right now how you feel like it is your sense of duty to mourn her and not move on. You let the guilt of feeling happy keep you from actually feeling happy.”
His words felt like they were a slap to my face. I opened my mouth to argue, but I couldn’t. For the first time in over four years, I let reality in.
Sam gave me a weak smile. “It’s okay, Thano. You can’t beat yourself up over it anymore.”
“I loved her, Sam. I really did.”
“And she loved you, but even Savannah wasn’t sure. The day before the wedding she confided in me. She said she was having second thoughts but didn’t know how to talk to you about it. I told her she needed to talk to you before the wedding, but I’m going to guess she never did.”
My eyes widened in shock. “She was having second thoughts about getting married?” I shook my head as if it would help the jumbled mess inside of it. Knowing Savannah had the same doubts almost had me feeling relieved as the guilt lessened some. “Wait—my mother said Savannah told her mother she wanted to talk to me.”
Sam’s expression turned sad. “My mother wouldn’t let Savannah share her fears with you. She told her she was being silly and that she needed to push past the fears.”
Oh, God. I took a few steps back. My heart sank as I looked at Sam. “Do you think that’s why she had the heart attack?”
He jerked his face back in shock. “No! Thano, you already know the doctors said she had a heart defect.”
I forced the air into my lungs. “But . . . what if the added stress caused something to happen?”
Walking up to me, Sam grabbed onto my arms. “Stop. Thano, think back to the numerous times you saw Savannah complaining her chest was aching. Each time she would give some excuse, almost as if she somehow knew something was wrong. Even I remember her saying something when we were in Cancun on a family vacation, after we went for a walk along the beach. The wedding—you—none of that had anything to do with her dying. Her heart gave out. There is nothing more to it. Stop beating yourself up every chance you get. Thano, don’t let your fear keep you from opening your heart again. It’s time to move on.”
Closing my eyes, I numbly shook my head. “You’re right,” I barely said as he dropped his hands.
“About?”
I opened my eyes and pulled in a deep breath before slowly pushing it out. I looked into Savannah’s brother’s eyes and decided I couldn’t ignore it any longer. “I was relieved. A small part of me was relieved the wedding never happened. The guilt I’ve felt over the last four years knowing that has been something I’ve carried deep inside of me, refusing to ever let that thought back into my head again. The moment I first thought it, I hated myself for thinking it. I loved Savannah and I only wanted to make her happy and give her the life she deserved. I thought by marrying her, I was doing what we both wanted. Now I don’t even know if either one of us wanted it at all.”
Both of us remained silent for a few moments before Sam finally spoke. “I think you both wanted it in some small way, but if you had gotten married, I honestly don’t think you would have stayed married for long before you grew apart. That’s the thing about love, Thano. There is love . . . and then there is the love that you can’t live without.”
