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“No,” she said, a smile ghosting around her lips. “I never said you were a bad guy, because I think you’re one of the good ones. But I don’t think I’m the woman for you.”
“Why?”
“Because if I were you’d understand my desire to want to help and protect you too. But you don’t, and that’s okay Max.”
“It’s okay? I’m glad it’s so easy for you to walk away.”
Finally, she shoved her glasses off her face to hold back her windblown hair and let me see the tears shimmering in her eyes. “It’s not easy, Max, trust me. I wanted this to work out, but how can it when you don’t trust me enough to let me be there for you? Or to not sleep with other people, apparently.”
“I said I was sorry.”
“You did. If only I could so easily forget being called a biker bunny, or seeing the hatred in your eyes as you said it.” Tears fell faster and she didn’t bother to get rid of them, just let them fall down her cheeks and her neck until they finally fell to her shirt or the ground below.
Her tears gutted me, but my frustration at her unwillingness to listen was getting the better of me. “Now I’m not allowed to make a mistake?”
“Of course you are! The problem is that you don’t want to correct the mistakes, Max! You plan to spend your life barely sleeping until you lose your mind and hurt yourself, or someone else?” Then she did swipe away the tears and took several deep breaths to calm herself.
“I did hurt someone. You!” How come she couldn’t see that? “I leave to protect you, Jana. Don’t you realize that I could have killed you?”
She shook her head, sadness hanging off her like fine jewels. “But you didn’t, and honestly, I’m more worried about the damage you’re doing to yourself. Max, this isn’t easy for me, not at all. I’m in love, for the first time in my life, and he doesn’t trust me. Doesn’t want me. I’m sorry.” More tears fell but it was the soft sniffles that tore me in half.
“No, dammit. This isn’t how things were supposed to go. You are supposed to be supportive and stand by me. Or was all that just bullshit so you could seem like the wise old woman who didn’t let her scars keep her from living?”
She gasped and took a step back and I immediately regretted my words. When all the fight left her, I knew I’d fucked up bad. “I guess maybe I am, Max. The difference is that I let you and Teddy drag me out once in a while because I knew it came from a place of care and concern. I don’t think you can say that, if you’re honest with yourself.”
I knew I couldn’t, but right now my pride wouldn’t let me. “So I don’t move on your timeline and we’re over?”
She let out a sob that kicked me in my heart and my balls at the same time when she dropped the pail and clutched her chest. “Max, I’ve asked you to stay and instead of just telling me you’re worried about your nightmares, you sneak out so you don’t have to deal with it. Or you lie about why you can’t stay.” She shook her head. “It isn’t about my timeline, it’s about the fact that I don’t see it changing and I hate the fact that the first time I took a chance on a man, that I wasn’t enough..” She turned towards the door and I called out to her.
“You are enough, more than enough, Jana. That’s why I’m here. I miss you, I’m sorry. I need you.”
She sighed and leaned against the door frame. “I miss you too, Max. More than I miss you when you’re here with me lately. Thank you for the memories and for making me feel beautiful. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” She closed the door so softly I barely heard the click, but I heard the soft thud of her leaning against the door and sliding down.
I sat in that same spot, outside and listened as Jana cried her eyes out. Over me. I should’ve got up and left, gone far the fuck away from the way her tears tore my heart and ripped it to shreds. But I couldn’t move, I was held captive by her pain. Eyes closed, I leaned my head on the door as she cried and cried, barely stopping to catch her breath. Eventually the tears stopped and I stood, frozen and confused. I wanted to force my way in and wrap my arms around her to console her, but I also wanted to flee from the feelings Jana stirred in me. “I’m sorry, Jana.”
And I was. A sorry son of a bitch because everything she said was right on the fucking money. With one last look at her door, I left. With a plan that started and ended with proving Jana wrong.
Chapter 16
Jana
“You have to stop sulking.” Teddy started in as soon as I answered the phone, and I didn’t bother trying to hide the eyeroll she couldn’t see.
“I’m not sulking. I’m working.” That was true, mostly. I did have a lot of work to do because I’d taken on three new clients this week, small businesses that needed my help. And because I was doing my best to ignore the pain in my chest, the constant desire to cry and the face that flashed in my mind at least a million times a day. Work was my jam, where I excelled in life. Work was clean and easy, and everything usually made perfect sense, so I threw myself into it with the intensity of someone who had nothing but her career, working late into the night until I fell in an exhausted heap into bed.
“They aren’t mutually exclusive, Jana.”
I let out a frustrated groan. “Agreed but since I’m not sulking, it’s a moot point.” Besides I was doing a lot more than working. “I’m finishing up my sketches for the art show, smartass.”
She laughed as she always did when I fought back because Teddy was as strange as she was beautiful. “You’re being secretive about it and it’s got me curious.”
“We both know that’s never a good thing,” I told her with a laugh, but the truth was that I did have a reason for keeping quiet on the subject. “I want to ask you something. Feel free to say no. I want to sketch your legs.”
The other line went silent just as I knew it would. Teddy was strong, she was a badass, but she was also insecure as hell about her legs. It was a sore spot for her and asking might change our friendship.
“It’s all right, Teddy. Really. I have a self-portrait as the centerpiece of the collection, titled ‘Beauty & Pain’. If you say no, I’ll do something else.” After hours spent staring at my reflection and thinking about how I’d probably be alone forever, I was emotionally drained. Usually I hated self-portraits because looking into a mirror was at the very bottom of my list of fun activities, but with everything else that had happened, sketching myself had been cleansing and the end result was…good art. “It’s just a sketch, but your legs are fantastic and they would make a great subject.”
“I know friends are supposed to make you feel better, but ‘fantastic’ is a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?”
