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That’s not what this is. This is the desperation of a man who thought he could deceive and win.
I pull back once more, putting whatever distance I can between us, and then say, “Let me go, Rad.”
His grasp tightens, but I manage to free myself—from him, the entanglements of living together, and our relationship—all at once. “I’m choosing Poughkeepsie.”
38
Rad
My soul drove away in a stranger’s blue sedan.
And I stood there and let it happen. Why’d I let her go?
Why didn’t I fight harder to get her to stay?
The answer is simple: I don’t know what I was fighting against.
My life has been built around having the better argument to sway a judge, and I couldn’t talk my girlfriend into having a five-minute conversation. Five minutes. Would that have been enough time to undo the damage she thinks I’ve done?
My head throbs from the stress and lack of sleep. Not having Tealey here with me is a loss deeper and more painful than I could’ve imagined. It’s worsened by the fact that I don’t know what went wrong.
Does she not understand how I feel about her? How could she not? I did everything to earn her trust by making us the priority. Granted, I fucked up a lot along the way, but I knew she saw me trying.
I was happily changing my life for her. Only her. And now she’s gone anyway.
Why?
The sun is rising like this is any other ordinary day. It’s not. It’s the first day that I’m waking up without Tealey. Nothing about that is right. My day starts and ends because she’s a part of them. The middle is just a blur of hours I spend trying to get back home to her.
I push the glass across the island, letting it crash into the empty bottle.
Fuck feelings.
I can say it like a mantra, but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t believe it. I stood firmly behind that motto until I met Tealey. Until I fell in love with her.
With her gone, I feel empty, like the bottle of bourbon.
What happened?
Jean-Luc?
Marlow?
The wedding?
Bob and Lorie?
My work?
There are too many things to list to lead me to what went wrong, except one—the truth.
Staring at the phone in front of me, I’ve let messages pile up from everyone from Jackson to my mom. Not one of them was from Tealey. I hop off the countertop, needing a shower to help wash away the grime from the past twenty-four hours. I’d like to get a clear head so I can see the situation in a new light.
When the screen on my phone lights up, I’m quick to glance down. I can’t lie that I’m disappointed seeing it’s not a message from Tealey.
Ashleigh: Are you available?
It’s Sunday, so her needing to talk is unusual. Business never ends.
Me: Depends . . .
My phone rings, and I answer it because she knows I’m always fucking available, which has always been one of Tealey’s biggest issues with me. “Hello?”
“Hi, boss, sorry to catch you on the weekend, but I was reviewing the deposition for the Lewis case and found items listed in the file that didn’t correlate.”
“Why are you working today?” I scrub over my jaw, feeling the need for a shave.
“I like to get a jump start on the week ahead.”
I swear I’ve said those exact words. “I don’t want you working today, Ashleigh. Enjoy the Sunday. Spend time with your loved ones. Relax. All of this can be worked out in the office on Monday.”
“But—”
“I’m serious. Nothing is more important than spending time with those you care about.”
“What’s going on?” she asks, her concern traveling the line. “Why are you saying this?”
I swallow my emotions, but it lumps in my throat, refusing to go down. Letting my personal life interfere with work has never been a struggle. Until now. “Sorry. I have a lot on my mind.” I walk to crack open a window, thinking fresh air would serve me well, but change my mind at the last second when I realize I’d lose the last of her scent. It may be faint, but it’s kept me company all night.
Ashleigh’s silence begins to make me uncomfortable. The unflappable attorney is shaken by his own assistant. That’d go over well with the firm. I can’t even hold my own with her. “What? Say it. I can tell you want to.”
“You’re not happy.” I could address that accusation a million different ways, but I let it go because it’s not untrue. “And I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t do this, Ashleigh. I can’t get caught up in what’s happening in personal dramas. That takes my eye off my job.”
“From the sounds of it, you’re already caught up in it. As you should be. It’s your life. It’s what matters most, like finding happiness.”
“I’m happiest when my clients are happy.”
