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Nektas cleared his throat. “If you’ll excuse me.”
The draken didn’t wait for a response, leaving the chamber—leaving Nyktos and me alone. The Primal watched me like he always did, but there was a guarded quality that had never been there before.
“If you start to feel the headache again or any other symptom that doesn’t feel normal, the tea will stop you from experiencing more severe symptoms,” he said. “So don’t wait.”
“I won’t.” I twisted a curl around my finger.
He sat there for a moment and then started to rise. “You should get some rest. I know the tea can make you tired.”
“I know, but…”
Nyktos arched a brow, waiting.
I drew in a deep breath. “I want to talk to you about—”
“About last night?”
“Well, no, but I suppose that’s part of it.”
“What happened last night won’t ever happen again,” Nyktos stated, and my fingers stilled in my hair. The finality of his words fell like a sword. “You will be safe here. You will be my Consort as planned.”
My hands slipped from my hair. “You still want me as your Consort?”
A tight smile twisted his lips. “This has never been about what either of us wants. It has only ever been about what must be done. And if we do not proceed, that alone will arouse too much suspicion.”
My heart started thumping. “I will be your Consort in title only?”
His head tilted. “Do you expect anything else? Do you think my interest in you overrides my common sense? Especially after learning of your treachery?”
The breath I took scorched my insides. “I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t expect your forgiveness or understanding. I just want a chance to—”
“To do what? Explain yourself? It is unnecessary. I know all that I need to. You were willing to do anything to save your people. I can respect that.” His features were as hard as the walls closing in around me. “I can also…respect how far you were willing to go to fulfill this duty of yours. But for what purpose? Love has never been on the table.”
I knew that. Gods I knew that after everything he’d gone through. I just hadn’t been willing to fully admit it to myself. It wasn’t love I sought. It was never that. Still, it was hard to speak what I wanted to. The words were so simple, taken for granted by many. “Friendship,” I whispered as heat swamped my throat. “There’s friendship.”
“Friendship? Even if I considered such a thing, I would never think of you. There is no way I could ever trust you. That I would not doubt or question every thought or action. Not when you were shaped and groomed to be whatever it is you believed I wanted. Not when you are just a vessel that would be empty if not for the ember of life you carry within you.”
I jerked back, my skin, body—everything—going numb.
Nyktos’ eyes flared bright, and then he turned from me. “As I said, you will be safe here. You will be my Consort in title only as we figure out exactly what my father planned for you. But this is all. There’s nothing else to discuss. Nothing else to be said.”
Chapter 41
I sat by the unlit fireplace the following morning, staring at the burnt kindling that remained. I idly rubbed my palms over my knees. The breeches had been laundered and returned earlier, along with breakfast. It had been Davina who arrived, and the draken hadn’t said much. I wasn’t sure if that was normal or if she had heard the truth despite Nyktos’ warnings to keep it quiet.
The one good thing that had come from the mostly untouched food was the butter knife that had been brought with it. The knife wouldn’t do any damage to a god, but I was sure I could make it hurt when it came to a mortal, so I swiped it, slipping it into my boot.
I hadn’t slept well the night before, even after the potion. The thought of eating anything didn’t rouse interest.
I remembered the last time I’d felt this hollow. It was when I’d taken that sleeping draft. It wasn’t just Nyktos. It was the truth about Kolis. It was the threat I posed to the Shadowlands. It was me. It was Tavius and Nor and Lord Claus and all the others. It was how much I missed Ezra and Sir Holland. It was how I wanted to tell my mother that I was never the cause of the Rot. And it was…it was how badly I wanted Nyktos to be Ash.
Weary, I toyed with the edges of my braid. It was also the knowledge that the past could never be undone. It couldn’t be forgiven. It couldn’t be forgotten.
A knock on the door dragged me from my thoughts. I rose. “Yes?”
