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“Go away, Hawk. I’m busy.”
Hawk walks up to Moonfire and gives her an affectionate slap on the haunches.
“I can’t believe this old girl is still here.”
“Yeah, well, your father knows I love her, and every so often, he does a good thing. What do you want, Hawk? I’m really not in the mood to…”
“I’m sorry, Parrish.”
I turn to him, unable to hide the surprise on my face. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say those words before in my life. Well, say them and actually make me believe you mean them, anyway.”
“I guess I’m like my father in that way. Once a year, I do something decent. And this is it. I’m sorry. For everything. For making you think I’m just here to capitalize on the ranch. For disappearing. For not coming back any of the times I should have. I know I’m an asshole and I’ve made mistakes but I want to try to make it right. Can you ever forgive me?
”
He takes a step toward me, and I take a step back, but I don’t know why. I want him to get away from me, to leave me alone, to leave for good and never come back. But when he kisses me, I lose my desire to fight him off, as much as I hate him. If I hate him… Is it hate that I feel? I don’t even know anymore as his lips press against mine. But then some semblance of common sense comes back. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep getting sucked in, and getting hurt, and repeating this cycle while he’s here, when he’s only going to leave again.
It takes all of my strength, but I push him away. He looks shocked, and hurt, but I can’t let myself care.
“Please, Hawk. Just go. I can’t do this. Not again.”
He nods. “If that’s what you want, Parrish.”
“It’s what I want.”
He walks out of the stable, and a tear falls down my cheek as I think, it’s not what I want. But it’s what I need.
Chapter 10
Hawk
I lay in my bed, the same bed I slept in every night when I was kid, and I stare up at the ceiling, my mind racing. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep letting myself fall into her arms? Parrish isn’t the girl I slept with all those years after too many beers. She’s my brother’s wife. My best friend. Matt was the guy I turned to whenever things got shitty. He was the only person in the world who understood why I am the way I am. And now, I feel like I’m betraying him. I stayed away because I didn’t want to make things complicated for him and Parrish, and now? I’m only making things worse. Matt is gone, and I can’t bring him back, but he will never really be gone. He’s everywhere, taking up every inch of space on the ranch. His spirit wanders around behind me with every step I take, and I would never want it any other way. But at the same time, it makes me feel like an ever bigger asshole every time I look at Parrish and think about how sexy, how beautiful, she is. Every time I touch her. Every time we…
Dear God, I am a shit.
I roll over, and look out the open window of my bedroom, which looks right out to the carriage house. I can see a light on in Parrish’s bedroom. I wonder what she is thinking, what she is doing. I wonder if she is angry with me for putting her in this position, and for continually screwing everything up between us. I don’t even understand myself why I keep doing it. Why I keep letting my defenses down and falling for her all over again. I mean, I do understand. It’s her strength, and her beauty, and her courage. The fact she’s raising a daughter and working and putting up with my crazy-ass family. When we were teenagers, she was smart, and independent. But she has grown into such a self-assured woman, and she doesn’t take any of my garbage. She never really did, but now…
I think I deserve it.
I roll onto my back and sigh. When I came back here, I knew it was going to be hard. But I never expected any of this. I never expected…
Knock knock knock.
I shoot up, and look at my door. Oh god, Parrish wouldn’t come over here in the middle of the night… would she?
“Are you awake?” Anna whispers through the door. I groan, almost gratefully, glad I don’t have to deal with anything awkward.
“Yeah, I am,” I whisper back, forgetting we’re both adults and allowed to do whatever we want now. Anna opens the door and slips in, and I can’t help but laugh at her pajamas, covered in dinosaurs. For a second, I wonder if she had them when we were kids.
Anna sits on the edge of my bed and gives me a serious glare. “What are you doing, Hawk?”
I look at her, confused. “What do you mean?”
She rolls her eyes at me. “I’m not blind, Hawk. You think I don’t see what is going on here?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I know exactly what she is talking about.
Anna picks a pillow up off the floor and smacks me in the head with it. Hard. I try to grab it from her, but she’s faster than I am. Her long red hair whips around her face and her blue eyes rage.
