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My voice trails off. The guys and I decided not to pressure her about Germany, but it still looms over all our heads. She hasn't decided, and somehow we can't decide either, until she does.
She drags her hand over the top of the stainless steel kettle, drumming her fingertips to make the vessel vibrate like a musical instrument.
“But what I'm saying is, like…” she starts again, discomfort playing in her voice, “like, you don't actually need me here, right? I'm probably more of a burden since I don't really know how to do anything, don't you think?”
My chest clenches.
“Vanessa? What is this about?”
She turns to me, her eyes shining in the dim light of the barn.
“It's just that… my parents asked me to go with them. To China. Primates, you know.”
“Primates,” I repeat dumbly.
“A new project,” she explains, shrugging. “My mom really prefers the primates. Prefers them to humans, is our joke. I've never been to China. Have you?”
“I've barely been out of the county,” I admit.
Her eyes widen. “Are you serious? But… did you go to college? Anything like that?”
I approach her slowly. I don't know why, but I need to be closer to her. She feels so incredibly far away.
“No, I think I told you. Our family has been here for a hundred years. We've been farmers this whole time. Charlie took some classes, but we've just been dedicated to the land, and to each other.”
“Oh,” she sighs.
“No, it's good,” I assure her. “I mean, this is the way we want it. This is the kind of life that makes us the most happy. It's just the kind of people we are. The kind of people… we hope you are too.”
She blinks several times. Her eyes are wet and liquid, filled with emotion.
“You think I am like that, too?” she asks in whisper.
“I hope you are,” I whisper back, finally getting my arms around her. She folds into me, forming herself to my body like she was meant to be there. I feel her tremble against me.
“Oh, I'm sorry,” comes a voice from behind me. Vanessa and I turn to see Charlie sheepishly standing by the barn door.
“No worries,” I tell him, without letting her go. “Do you need something?”
“We're just bringing in the last load,” he explains. “But it's not your turn, Stan. Tim and Tom are going to be pissed.”
“Actually, it is my turn, sport. Check the calendar.”
Vanessa giggles, burying her head in my chest.
“Don't fight over me, boys,” she chuckles. “There's of plenty of me to go around.”
“That sounds like a dare,” Charlie quips, wiggling his eyebrows.
There's a commotion at the door as Tim, Tom, and Hank all shove their way inside, hoisting a huge basket between them. They dump it into the macerator, grunting. I watch Vanessa's eyes trace their outlines and the way she bites her lower lip and draws in breath, and expression I've seen a few times before.
“Glad you're enjoying yourself,” I whisper in her ear.
“How could I not?” she answers, rolling her eyes. “I'm surrounded by a harem of handsome men. It’s every girl's dream come true.”
“You're our dream come true, too, you know,” I tell her.
She looks up at me finally, pressing her lips shyly. “Really? Do you mean that?”
