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She just snores some more. That's it.
Which means she didn't tell me not to go. She didn't answer me at all.
So without a direct order… I can go, can't I?
Before I have a lot more time to think about it and realize what kind of chance I'm taking, I drop my knitting back in the basket and stand. I'm through the front door in just three steps, silently closing it behind me.
Taking my skirts in my fist, I rush behind the group. I can only see them just barely, far up, with the light of torches bouncing back and forth like fireflies. They’re around the front of the ceremony barn now, gathered. Probably watching. Maybe hearing Father Daddy or Brother Owen make a speech. Sometimes they make speeches. Sometimes they call out words that just zing right through to the middle of my soul.
As I rush down the hard-packed trail, I see the other aunties from the reclamation shed. They don't see me. They're talking to each other, breaking into laughter every few seconds. I should probably avoid them, so I cut behind the back of the barn and around the far side. There's nobody over here, but there is also nothing to see. Everyone's on the other side of the barn and I won't be able to make my way to the entrance.
My heart sinks as I realize I missed my chance. And for what? Risking punishment to stand at the back of the barn and see nothing?
I'm about to give up what I notice an amber blade of light falling on the dark rushes in front of me. Carefully I edge up to it and notice a space between the boards of the barn. Light pours through it and I sneak up to the side, pressing my hands against the weathered boards, pushing forward.
My breath catches
in my throat. I've never seen this before. No one is allowed to see this, actually. The ceremony has already begun. The barn door has already been closed. Through the gap in the boards, I see the interior of the barn, lit from the strings of lights across the rafters. Father Daddy and Brother Owen are on their thrones to the right side. Gina walks up slowly with four aunties surrounding her. She looks nervous. But then she also looks like the bossy brat I've known all my life.
But then one of the aunties takes her arm and whips the back of her dress up, twisting it into a cable that she uses to pin her arms behind her. Gina starts to look different.
My heart begins to race. What is this? What are they doing to her? I've never seen anything like this… is this the ceremony?
And yet, only Gina is afraid. Everyone else seems to know what's going on. It must be all right. Father Daddy and Brother Owen would never harm her. They must be teaching her a lesson.
I press forward further, pushing up on my toes to see more. Two of the aunties mount the platform where Father Daddy and Brother Owen are seated. They slide around behind them and stroke their shoulders, reaching to the front and untying their robes. Father Daddy's eyes sweep the room, and I hold my breath, almost positive he's going to be able to see me. He knows things. He can see right through you. So many times his eyes have almost found mine, but then skated right over me.
I want to him to see me so badly. He's the holiest man in the whole world. He knows everything. He's been given the divine light, and I ache for him to share it with me.
Father Daddy and Brother Owen stand at the same time. The aunties drag the robes off their shoulders, letting them fall to the floor. I almost cry out. There they stand, in all their glory. Both completely nude, muscles rippling, shining in the light.
Their eyes are intense, almost furious as they stare at Gina. The aunties push her forward, positioning her between them. One of the women reaches around to the front of Father Daddy and wraps her fingers around his manhood. I can't believe it. It's so big, thick like a whittled hickory branch. It curves upward, pale and solid as wood. He doesn't even seem to notice it. He's not even looking at it. Yet, it's almost the only thing I see.
I need to focus, to see through the crazy confusion. I want to memorize all of this. Gina stands between them, until someone tells her to get on her knees. She kneels in front of Brother Owen and then opens her mouth. Is she singing? Is she going to say something?
But no. She leaves her mouth open and Brother Owen leans forward, drawing his own manhood across her lips. I'm astounded. What is that supposed to do? Is it a blessing of some kind? I've seen the diagrams and books and I know that is definitely not an act of procreation. Is she supposed to taste him?
But I don't have any clues. And it's over. He backs away, holding his member in his hand. His eyes are dark as he scowls into the corner, wrapping his hand around his member and clenching his jaw. Is he in pain? Does it hurt when a man goes all wooden like that?
But the ceremony is still happening. The aunties lay Gina down in front of Father Daddy. They take her by her arms and legs, pulling her limbs into a star shape, as though they're going to pull her apart. But then they stop.
Father Daddy leans in front of her. His rod is glowing, thicker than it was before. Pink at the tip and sparkling. He kneels between her open knees, leaning forward with his weight on his hands. All of the muscles in his thick arms flex together. The aunties say something.
“Take this flower,” I hear them.
Take this flower? Take it where?
And then I see it. His manhood dives into her womanhood… her flower. Slowly it sinks into her, like a knife into bread. Like a dart into fruit. Something aches in the middle of me, like it probably aches in her. I almost feel it. I almost…
“Angel!”
I jump back, holding my hands up defensively. Mama rushes toward me, her hands out in front of her and curled into claws. She snatches me by my dress and my hair, yanking me away from the space in the barn boards.
“I told you!” she hisses, her voice trembling with rage but still quiet so that no one can hear her. She doesn't want anyone to know what I've done.
Dragging me back to the far side of the barn, she pauses at the last moment, grabbing a handful of willow saplings right out of the ground. She throws me against the barn and rips up the back of my dress. I feel the first lashes sting across my backside as she whips me three, four, five times, snarling furiously some words I can't even hear. I just grind my teeth together and try to hold completely still, trying not to make it any worse.
When she's exhausted herself, she shoves me away from the barn, back toward the dirt road. Without even looking to make sure she's following, I gather my skirts and run as fast as I can, back toward home, back into my room, and throw myself on my bed.
