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But I had to get that out of my mind. The future was not going to be what I thought it might, and I needed to just get with the program.
The sulking had to stop though. There was no denying that was what I was doing, and even I knew how pathetic it was. I was actively making life miserable for anyone within shouting distance of me by bringing negative energy to my job. There were tons of studies, though I wasn’t entirely sure how sure the science was, that seemed to indicate that plants could perceive emotion. That they could soak it up and would react to it. Negative energy would produce a poorer-performing yield.
I had known some folks who set up speakers throughout their property to play classical music and words of encouragement. While I was positive the volunteers would appreciate that, I wasn’t sold yet on the grapes feeling any way in particular. Still, maybe it was worth a shot. Maybe playing some nice music and trying to bring some positive vibes into the vineyard would help me too.
Or I would just get pissed off and bored and change the music over to heavy metal. I wondered if the vines could grow well under a steady diet of Black Sabbath and Slayer.
As I usually did when the day was done, I brought Joker back to the makeshift doghouse, made sure his heat was turned on at a comfortable level and his area was clean, and then headed back home. No one bugged me as I walked across the property, only a few acknowledging nods from some of Noah’s crew who were working on some fencing.
When I made it back into my house, I breathed a sigh of relief. One more day done. I took off my boots, stripped down and hopped in the shower, and then changed into stretchy pajama pants and a T-shirt. Then I went into the kitchen where Simon was not-so-patiently waiting for his dinner and opened up his can.
Grabbing my book off the table next to the couch, I settled in to read a bit. There were only two other things I could do to pass the time on my days off now, and they were reading and punishing myself in the gym. I was a voracious reader usually, and I worked out hard on a regular basis, but since the email, I found myself doing both more.
20
Danica
After tons of tissues, a few cups of tea, and a big, wet-eyed hug, my sister and I had called a truce. It was late, and I already knew I wasn’t going to get a full night’s sleep before needing to get on the road for King Vineyard. With Jaz finally seeming like she felt heard and with the promise of a little bit of time apart while I was on location, it seemed like things might improve.
“Alright,” I said, finishing my cup of tea, “I need to get to bed.”
“I’m sorry for keeping you up,” Jaz said, looking into her cup and crossing her legs.
“No, it’s fine,” I said. “We needed to get this out in the open now.”
“Still. I know you have to get up for work tomorrow. I’ve just been so angry at myself.”
She was staring at the coffee table between us, almost as if she could see the last few months playing out on it like a television.
“Why?” I asked.
She looked up at me, her eyes red and filled with tears.
“I know it’s hard for you to understand,” she said, “but it isn’t just dancing to me. It’s breathing. To not be able to dance is like not being able to breathe. It sounds melodramatic, but it’s true. I can’t explain it any other way.”
“I think I understand. I’m trying to, anyway.”
“I know. I appreciate that,” she said. “It’s just losing the last few weeks and knowing I will lose the next few too, it’s just… so suffocating.”
I nodded and stood. I wasn’t sure I understood how suffocating it could be to take a few weeks off, but her saying dancing was like breathing wasn’t new. She had been saying that since she was a teenager, and when I went to work to support her schooling, it was that very line that stuck in my head every day at work. That I wasn’t just paying for her to go to school, I was paying for her to breathe.
“Well, I need to pack. I don’t need a lot. I don’t expect to be gone for long,” I said.
“I’ll help,” Jaz said, setting her teacup down and standing with me.
She followed me into my room, and I pulled the suitcase out from under my bed and tossed it on top. She unzipped it while I opened the top drawer of my dresser. On one side were comfortable panties and a few sports bras. On the other was the sexier stuff. Stuff I had no business even looking at before this trip. Stuff that I was almost embarrassed I even owned.
