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A humorless chuckle escaped my lips. “I don’t even know. I’m nauseous but that could be for a couple of reasons. I think I’m probably dehydrated from crying my eyes out. And to top it off, the headache you mentioned is definitely raging.”
He squeezed my hands, apparently unable to find words.
I couldn’t blame him. What was there to say when the unthinkable happens?
“I know it sounds awful, but I think in some way I mourned the loss of Henry, at least as my husband, a long time ago. I spent countless nights crying and breaking down over the loss of my marriage and husband as the man he was when I married him. So, finding out that he’s dead doesn’t seem like a loss…” I paused, cringing over the ugly confession. I drew in a breath. “The part that I’m not ready for is that I have to find a way to tell my son. How do you tell your child that they’re never going to see their father again?”
I shook my head, staring dazed at the veins in the wooden tabletop. “There’s no way to even start that conversation. When we left California, I wasn’t sure when Jackson would see Henry again, but I knew it was inevitable. I never planned on keeping him away from him forever. I knew he’d have visitation or rights of some kind…but now…he’ll never see him again. He won’t have…” Tears took over, breaking the rest of my words into indecipherable mumbles.
Chase came around and held me against him as all the tears escaped. Was I ever going to be able to stop crying? I felt like something was broken inside of me and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be fixed again.
“I don’t know if I should tell him now or wait till we’re back in California. I just don’t know…”
“I wish I knew what to say, Melissa. I’m way out of my depth here too.” He squatted down in front of me and rubbed his thumbs along the backs of my hands as he stared up into my eyes. “In some ways, getting home might be better. He’d have his friends, family, and the comfort of being in a familiar place. But at the same time, he’s an intuitive little guy. He’s going to know something is wrong.”
I nodded in agreement. “Curious too.”
“And a little bit unrelenting,” Chase added, chuckling.
I smiled at him, realizing it was the first smile since hearing the news about Henry. “That too.”
“So, you’ve decided to go back to California?”
I nodded. “There’s no reason not to anymore. Henry’s gone. There will be a funeral to plan or at least to hire someone to plan. I don’t know that I should really be the one to do that… it doesn’t feel right. Hell, I don’t even really want to go to the damn thing, but I will, for Jackson’s sake.”
My thoughts trailed off and I shook my head again.
“There’s no easy answers to any of this, Melissa. But I know that Jackson is a strong little boy and he knows you’ll be there for him. Always. And I will be too. He’s not alone. You’re not alone.”
“Thank you,” I said, my voice thick, overwhelmed by Chase’s support and compassion. My heart swelled inside my chest, breaking through the ice and numbness that had set in. “I know he will be okay, eventually. I just wish I could spare him the pain. That’s always been my goal in all of this shit. To keep Jackson safe and secure. He still doesn’t even know why we’re here on this island. He thinks it’s a vacation or something.”
“Has he asked about Henry?”
“Not very much. He’s used to Henry being gone. God, that sounds awful. You know what I mean though.”
Chase nodded. “Yeah. I do.”
A silence fell between us as I got tangled back in my own thoughts. Chase reached out and stroked my cheek, gently drawing me back to the moment at hand. “If we’re leaving to go to California soon, I’ll go back to the harbor and get the boat ready. That way you and Jackson can have some time to yourselves.”
“Okay.”
“Not to pile on to your worries, but any thoughts of when you want to leave? I can get groceries and supplies or I can wait on that.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. The day after tomorrow? That way, Jackson can have one last day here. Once I tell him about Henry, he’ll need something to distract him. Maybe we could take him fishing.”
Chase nodded and smiled sadly. “Sure thing. I’ll head out in a little bit and then when I get back we can go out one last time.”
“Thank you, Chase.”
“Of course. Anything.”
I pushed up from the table and went to make myself a piece of dry toast. I didn’t really want it but I knew I needed to eat something, if not for my own sake, then for the baby. And it gave me something to do besides cry over the heartbreaking news I would have to give my son before the day was over.
