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“Immaculate,” said Betsy.
“You’re all too nice,” I said, blushing.
“No, we really mean it. You look positively gorg, Emma,” said Betsy. “Now try on this,” she said, holding up one of Lauren’s shiny string bikinis.
“Um, wait a minute,” I said, hobbling over to the suitcase I’d brought along, and rummaging through it.
“Are you honestly that bad at walking in heels?” asked Lauren.
“Not normally, but these are so high. And they’re spiky. What brand are these? They’re really uncomfortable.” I pulled my foot back and looked over my shoulder, examining the bottom of the shoe. “Shoop-de-doops? What kind of a brand is that? Seriously? Whose shoes are these?”
“Mine,” Judijean said, guiltily raising her hand. “Bud likes me to be a chef in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.” She shrugged her bony shoulders pathetically.
“Enough with the evening gowns,” Betsy said. “Take them all with you. Now we need to work on your walk. And you have to figure out which swimsuits to wear. The hot tub scenes are critical.”
“I was just getting to that,” I said, pulling some swimsuits from my suitcase. “What about this one?” I held up a two piece suit with sea horses on it.
“Is that some kind of washrag?” asked Lauren.
“No, it’s a terry cloth bikini. I love it. Feel it,” I said, handing it to anybody who wanted a touch.
“You’re scaring me,” said Rachel.
“How about this one?” I asked, holding up another favorite: a purple racerback tank with yellow trim. “There’s a story about this suit,” I began. “Remember how I used to teach water aerobics to old people when I was in college? Well, those old men couldn’t keep their eyes off me when I wore this suit. I had a maroon suit too, but this one drove them crazy. See how the legs are cut kind of high? They loved it. They could barely hang on to their noodles whenever they saw me in it. My biggest fan, Albert, used to call me Grapey, and it was all because of this suit.”
“They were holding their noodles?” asked Judijean.
“Are you mad? They’ll kick you off the show for wearing a one piece,” said Rachel.
“Well, that kind of one piece, anyway,” said Lauren.
“Kicking me off for something like that would probably be against the law,” I said.
“Uh uh,” Rachel replied, shaking her head. “That’s why they film it in all those different countries. So they can rule and oppress you without American laws to keep you safe.”
“You said she has fashion sense,” Maggie said to Betsy.
“I was wrong.”
“Okay, I get it,” I said, dropping my purple suit and picking up the shiny blue one instead. “I will wear these slutty suits you brought. I can do it. But I’m not trying them on right now.” I gathered them up into a heap and stuffed them into my suitcase.
“If you can’t try them on for us, how are you going to wear them on television?” asked Rachel.
“I don’t know.”
“Emma, I’m with Rachel on this,” said Judijean. “I think you should try them on here and get our opinion, so you’re prepared once you’re on the show.”
“Ugh. Fine,” I said. I took the suits down the hall and closed the door. For a moment I stood there just looking at them, wondering if anyone would notice if I never came back. I could hear Lauren grumbling about having to leave soon, so I finally put one on. My already wavering confidence took a nosedive as I stood in front of Betsy’s full length mirror in her bathroom. My body looked pretty good, except for the place where my boobs were supposed to be. I slid the triangles of fabric closer together, then farther apart, trying to figure out which was more flattering. Eventually I gave up and came out of the bathroom.
“Hmm,” said Lauren, watching me approach.
“Before any of you say anything, I want you to picture Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days. Wasn’t she lovely?” I said.
“Huhh…” said Rachel as I got a little closer.
“What does Kate Hudson have to do with this?” asked Maggie.
“I think she is trying to point out to us that Kate Hudson can be attractive without breasts,” said Lauren.
