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“Oh, Emma, you’re so naive,” said Alanna. “When I was the star of my own show, last season, half of the guys had a gimmick. One showed up wearing a Marshmallow Man costume because he was so sweet. Like, ha ha. Another wore a vintage bomber jacket and sunglasses and tried to pretend to be Tom Cruise. I was like ewww. Who’s grosser than Tom Cruise? Nobody! And how about the guy with the pointy goatee and horn implants who tried to convince me he was a Minotaur?”
“I don’t remember that,” I said.
“You don’t remember that?”
“Sorry. I missed an episode once when I was working late.”
“Working late? Like a… dad? From the 1950’s? I’ve really had it up to here with you,” she said, sawing at the air above her head. “Working late! I’m going to scream.” She turned to a cameraman. “Can I get my own hotel? She just said she was working late. That is the fakest excuse I’ve ever heard. I’m being lied to. Straight to my face. It’s just like Antonio all over again. Ugh!” She shook her head, dismissing me with the wave of her hand as she turned to face the others. “Didn’t any of you even watch me? Apparently you really aren’t fans like I thought you were.”
“We’re your fans! We’re totally your fans,” said Deb.
“Thank you, Debbie. Anyway, Klassie is the same as all those fools from my season. She’s a big faker. She’s trying to be memorable with a gimmick to make up for a lack of real personality.”
“I really don’t think that’s the case with her. I think she likes to roller skate. I don’t believe it’s more complicated than that,” I said.
“Emma, Emma, Emma.” Alanna shook her head. “I thought you were smarter than that. Seriously, I thought aside from Vanessa and myself, you were maybe in third place for smartness. Now I see you’re a naive liar who isn’t smart at all. How about that Eskimo kiss she gave Bellamy the other day? What was that all about? Can’t you recognize a gimmick when you see one?”
“Yeah, that was odd,” I admitted.
“Thanks for agreeing with me when I’m obviously right. I mean, it’s the least you could do. I guess what I am trying to say is, I wish you would go home. I’m sick of seeing your face around here.”
Deb gasped a little over this, but quickly looked down. Before I could come back with any kind of response, Jessica jumped in on my behalf: “Would you listen to yourself, you bloody wombat? Don’t you realize there are cameras all around you? I hope they keep this in and show you like you really are,” she said to Alanna.
“Are you talking back to me?” asked Alanna.
“Yes! Enough already.”
“You can keep your little sayings to yourself. Bellamy would never end up with someone like you. You’re Australian,” said Alanna.
“Goodbye,” said Jessica, getting up and leaving. Vanessa covered her face with her book to kee
p from participating in the conversation. I opened a bubbly water and sipped it, looking out at Venice. The people walking by on the little bridge down below were so much classier looking than Americans. I caught a cute guy looking up at us and I accidentally waved, then yanked my hand back down to my side and pretended I’d been swatting at a fly. I considered going inside and taking a nap to get away from everyone but there was too much to see out here.
“Hey, Alanna,” said Deb, “I’m done looking at this magazine if you want it. It’s all in Italian, but you’d probably like it. Everyone looks really stylish, like you.”
Alanna took it and shoved it under her lounge chair. Then she sighed and her eyes filled up with tears. “Forgive me if I sounded mean a second ago,” she said to everyone and no one in in particular, “but all these people around are getting to me. I’m an introvert and people suck my energy from me. They’re spirit-mosquitoes. I wish this was over. I’m just really exhausted from all this constant pressure and the lack of privacy. I know he’s going to pick me, but I’m sick of waiting and sick of all of you. I hope I’m not upsetting you. I’m just being honest.”
“You’re not upsetting us. Not at all,” said Deb.
“Good.” Alanna turned to the camera guys. “Hi Luca. Hi Bob. Luca, you look cute today. Bob, I like your t-shirt. It’s so funny! At first I didn’t get it, but now I see that the donkey is really a cat, and it makes sense. You guys are awesome. Don’t make me look mean on TV, okay? Please! Pretty please? You can delete some of this if you want to. You know I’m not actually mean, right? You know I’m just having a bad day. I’m so jetlagged. And I don’t know what’s in this orange stuff, but whew! It’s making me loopy! I’m sorry.” Then she turned back to me. “And you, Emma, wise up!”
I turned away since I didn’t trust the producers to edit my response in a favorable way.
“Don’t sweat it, Alanna,” said Deb. “We’re all still crazy about you.”
“Thanks, Debbie. You’re a sweetie,” said Alanna.
“You can just call me Deb. Only my grandpa ever called me Debbie. He called me Little Debbie. Like the snack girl. It was his special name for me.”
“Cute,” I said.
Alanna glared at Deb, so Deb cleared her throat and continued, “But Alanna, if you want to call me Debbie, that’s fine. You can call me whatever you want. It’s really up to you.”
“Debbie is easier to remember,” said Alanna.
“It is?”
“Sure,” said Alanna.
