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She started to giggle and I actually smiled for real.
“I guess it would’ve been kind of funny. Is Holden angry at me?”
“Hell no. He’s been freaking out, wondering how to top that though. Did you hear the crowd screaming? They loved it. Half of them probably thought it was part of the act. The other half, well, they probably think you’re a jealous girlfriend or something. It’s not the end of the world, Dee.”
She sat on the table, pulling a beer out of the tub, shaking the water off it and handing it to me, then getting herself one.
“Pete will kill me.”
“Yeah, there is that. But you know what he’s like. If it gets the band attention, he’ll love it. You just have to put a positive spin on it for him. He’s not so tough.”
I sat down beside her, swigging on my drink. The beer tasted good.
“There’s a bigger issue, though. How do you feel about Alex?”
I shrugged.
“If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay.”
I wondered how much Sally had told her.
“I really don’t know. I hate him. I really hate him. He destroyed my life.”
Carlie put her arm around me again, so I told her about Jake and the accident. Somehow, in the retelling, it didn’t seem so bad. Not that Jake had died but Alex’s part in it. I knew now that it hadn’t just been him being a total prick but that Jake too had played a part in it. That didn’t exonerate Alex but it didn’t make him a murderer, just an idiot with a bunch of other idiots. They’d done something stupid and Jake had been the one to pay the price.
“Now, I wonder, if it’d been the other way around, how I’d feel. If it’d been Alex who’d died and Jake driving the car. I’d never be able to hate Jake or hold him to blame. Of course, Jake would’ve paid the price for it. Our parents aren’t rich bastards who can get around the law.”
That was the point I’d never get over. He’d packed up and left the whole mess behind him. No matter what he’d said, that struck me as cowardly. Sure, I’d have been angry with him. People would’ve talked but he should’ve been able to handle that.
Carlie nodded.
“Was I too harsh? I hated Alex for so long. I just wanted to make him pay. God, what I wanted was for Jake to come back. For everything to go back to the way it’d been.”
“And the song?”
“The song was Jake’s. Alex stole it. He stopped me from playing it at the club. Forbid me from playing it. Then he got up and played it himself. That song is Jake’s. It’s the last song he wrote. A love song for someone, who knows who.”
Carlie laughed, not because she found that funny. It was a weird laugh.
“Hon, that song isn’t a love song.”
“What do you mean?”
“The part about emotions running through your veins, the joys, the highs. Everything about that song, it’s a love song to drugs. It sounds all bright and sunny but it’s a dark song. ‘You are going to destroy me but I welcome you into my arms’. What do you think that means?”
I’d never thought about it like that. Of course, when I first played the song, I had no idea Jake was into any of that. He’d just been Jake, my wonderful brother. The words made sense in a whole other way now.
“That still doesn’t excuse Alex.”
“It sure as hell doesn’t. Stealing someone’s song is a low move.”
“It’s the worst.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
“What can I do?”
“You could fight Alex, get back the song rights. It might be a messy business though and, as you say, his parents are loaded. They could fight a long, drawn-out legal battle. Or you could talk to Alex. Ask him why he’s playing the song. Get it all out in the open. But first, work out what you want. Do you want him to stop playing it? Do you want the song for yourself?”
She patted my hair again.
“I don’t want it. Not now. How could I get up and play that song, knowing that? I have no idea what I want.”
But I did know what I wanted. I wanted Alex. I’d always wanted Alex. The song had made sense for me because that’s how I felt about him. He’d destroy me but I welcomed him. I’d rather be destroyed by Alex than happy with any other man.
