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Then he laughed. A strong laugh, rolling through his whole body.
I looked up at him. “What?”
“I guess I wrecked that.”
Slowly, I grinned back.
“So, what do you want to do with the song?” I asked Alex.
I never wanted to hear that song again. It represented everything that hurt in my world — Jake’s hidden life and his mistakes, Alex’s selfishness and my stupidity.
“Bury it. Bury deep in the ground with Jake. We have enough songs. We have enough talent, Dee. We don’t need a song that is just going to bring back bad memories.”
I nodded. That made the most sense. If we buried the song, we could start afresh.
When he said “we” though, I wasn’t sure if he meant “we” together or “we” as separate people. Writing the song with Alex had been fun. He could cut through all the shit in my mind and get to the important parts.
“What about your song?” he asked. “Have you finished it? I want to hear it.”
That’s what he wanted? Couldn’t he see that was the last thing I wanted? I wanted him to kiss me, hold me, ravish me. I sure as hell didn’t want a guitar pressed against my body, I wanted Alex.
I got my acoustic and sat down on the sofa. I’d not even played the song for Pete or Ferdie yet. I’d finished it a while ago but I wanted to make sure it was perfect.
“It’s not finished, and it’s not that great.”
“Just play it.”
I got started, keeping my head down. I want didn’t to look at him. It killed me to play that song. I realised just how much I needed his approval. I’d rather never let him listen to it than risk him hating it.
When I finished, I put the guitar down.
“It’s fantastic, Dee. There are a few things that need work but it has the seeds of something brilliant.”
Slowly, I raised my head to look at him. He wasn’t lying, I could tell that much. He’d liked my song. My heart fluttered. It did more than flutter, it swarmed and then took flight.
“It’s still pretty rough.” I took out my hair band, readjusting it. “I’m not sure if it has the feeling I want.”
“It feels like longing and sadness and despair, but beneath it all, there’s a sense of hope.”
I tried to stifle my smile. I didn’t want to look like I was full of myself but that was exactly what I wanted to convey.
Alex looked at me, really looked at me. I wanted to turn my gaze from him. He tore apart every inch of me, searching for something.
Shit, if I’d known all this drama was going to happen, I’d have at least put on clean pyjamas. I was a complete slob, and that was something Alex hated. No wonder he didn’t want to get close to me.
He sat down on the sofa beside me. I nibbled on my finger but he brushed my hand away from my mouth.
I wanted to move away but I couldn’t. His leg touched mine and I feared what would happen. A lust-fuelled groping had been one thing but now, after all, we’d gone through, I couldn’t get that close to him and then turn back. It had to be all or nothing.
The space between us shrunk, though. I wasn’t sure if that was my doing or his, or maybe the really crappy springs on Sally’s sofa. His breath tickled my neck and I had no idea what to do with my hands. I couldn’t move or this moment might shatter. I wanted him so much.
He reached over and traced his finger along my chin.
“There’s not a moment I haven’t regretted what I did,” he said.
“Which part?” I wasn’t sure if he was talking about Jake or us.
“All the parts. I’ve been haunted by Jake and then I thought I could use you to get absolution but that was wrong. I was wrong. You are so much more than that.”
He stroked my hair.
“I’m poor now,” he said. “How do you feel about dating a poor muso? I mean, I still have my cars and the club, I’m not exactly living on the street, and I have assets galore, mostly my face and body…”
“You idiot. Money is nothing.” My heart gave a thud. “Dating?”
“If that’s what you want. I can understand if you wanted nothing more to do with me. I’m not a good person. I’m probably the most horrible person you’ve ever met.”
