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"Maybe if I hadn't been so insensitive to her needs and mental health when we were fucking, she'd be better now."
I frowned. "Josh, you can't blame yourself. You told her you weren't interested in anything more than fun now and then and so she went into it with her eyes wide open. You can't help it if she was lying to you and herself about what she wanted."
"I shouldn't have used her," he said softly.
"She used you, too. If she couldn't handle casual sex, she shouldn't become involved."
Josh exhaled. "She didn't realize at the time that she couldn't handle it."
I nodded and could see the expression in his eyes even in the darkness of the room from the moonlight that flowed in from the window. It illuminated his face, making his eyes seem unusually large and haunted.
"It's not your fault. She fell in love with you and wanted more than you could give. It happens all the time, Josh, to men and women."
"I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that and it doesn't feel good. I guess it was Karma coming back to bite me in the ass."
I squeezed him. "I know," I said and laid my head on his chest. "Me, too. Karma's a bitch. I know all about it."
"What did you ever do to deserve Jerkface?" Josh asked, pulling me closer.
I sighed and thought about my past. "I was stupid, that's what. I was naive. I was so caught up in how perfect our lives seemed that I didn't realize that Derek didn't really care about me. He cared about being the husband of Governor Carlson's only child and only daughter. I cared about being a wife to a very powerful up-and-coming lawyer who had designs on public office one day."
"No, you're wrong. You weren't wrong to be trusting. You have to trust in this life, or you'll never get close to another person. You have to take the risk of loving someone and having your heart broken or you'll never feel love or be loved."
I turned and looked at Josh. "That's so..."
"So, what?" Josh said, a slight touch of humor in his voice. "So romantic?"
"I was going to say, honest and open." I kissed him. "You do have to be open to love and love requires trust. I guess a broken heart is the price we pay for love."
"That it is," Josh replied, exhaling. We lay in silence for a while, both of us probably thinking about our past mistakes and our current good fortune at meeting each other. At least, that's what I was thinking.
"Good night, Josh," I said and kissed him before snuggling down beside him with my back to him. "I love you."
He spooned against me and kissed my shoulder. "Good night, my love," he said softly. "I love you more than anything."
I squeezed his hand against my chest and sighed, my heart swelling with love for him and happiness for how good everything was between us.
* * *
Thursday came, and I'd woken up several times in the night, unable to get back to sleep for a long time, wondering what the test results would be and whether Josh would be a father a lot sooner than either of us hoped. Plus, I was excited for Steph arriving and hoped we would be celebrating instead of commiserating about the results.
Josh must have left early for his bike ride and was careful not to wake me up because he was already gone when I finally dragged myself out of bed and went to the bathroom. After I had a shower, I went to the kitchen for my breakfast and found a sticky note from Josh stuck to the coffee maker.
ELLA: Couldn't sleep.
I've gone for an early ride.
I'll bring fresh bagels.
See you soon.
Love, J.
* * *
I checked my watch -- it was still early, so I made a pot of coffee and had an orange while I waited for Josh to come back to the apartment. Before he left, Josh brought the paper up, and so I had my coffee and read the headlines, eager for Josh to arrive back and for us to indulge in fresh bagels and cream cheese.
Th
