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"See?" Alexa said and turned to me. "This is all my fault."
"No," Felicia said, her voice firm. "Don't blame yourself for the actions of someone else. He's clearly a psycho. He's responsible, not you. You were the victim, Alexa. Don't blame yourself or he wins."
"It's hard not to, considering I picked him as a boyfriend and fiancé. What does that say about me?"
"Rapists and murderers don't wear a sign on their foreheads," she said. "Sometimes, they're really good at hiding who they are and just how sick they are until it's too late. Blaine's like that. He looks normal from the outside and says all the right things, but inside he's a black hole of hatred."
Alexa nodded slowly. "Yes, that's Blaine all right. Black hole of hatred. It's why I broke it off with him. Once we were together long enough, he started letting his true self show. Maybe he figured he was finally secure enough with me that he could show me who he really was, but I didn't like it. He always blamed everyone else for what went wrong in his day. If he had a problem at work, it
was some other guy's fault. If he got a speeding ticket, it was the cop who was just trying to make a quota and should be after a real criminal. If he was in a bad mood, he would find things to get mad at me about. Little stupid things, like the milk was expired, or we ran out of coffee, or there was a bleach stain on his favorite black t-shirt, or he couldn't find his cufflinks and I must have put it somewhere."
Then, Alexa stopped and stared off into the distance for a moment. "From what I've read, that's typical of abusers. They are perfect partners at first, doing everything right, and then when things are secure enough, they start controlling their partner. They start abusing them. That's what Blaine did with me."
She looked at me. "I feel so stupid."
I reached out to her and took her hand. "You weren't stupid. You were doing what any human would do -- trying to be happy. You found someone who tried to make you happy, but he was really just trying to find someone he could control. What's his background?"
"Not good, and I used to wonder about him, why he didn't want to talk about his past, but I know why now of course. He had a bad family life. His father was abusive to his mother. He and his siblings were always afraid of what their dad would be like when he returned from work, especially if he was drunk or started drinking. They hid in their bedrooms after he came home from work if he was drunk, and often went without dinner to avoid upsetting him or becoming a target of his wrath. That kind of experience growing up has to warp you."
"That's too bad, but you know, everyone has a choice to behave a certain way. He should have gotten therapy if he was struggling with violent tendencies."
Alexa shrugged. "There's still a part of me that sympathizes with the young boy who was once totally innocent -- who was himself a victim. He's still responsible for his acts, but he didn't choose to have a wife-beater and child beater as a father."
"No, he didn't, but he can choose how he behaves now," Felicia said. "He tried to kill Candace. He raped you. Now, he's harassing you."
Alexa nodded and sighed heavily. "I don't want to talk about Blaine anymore. I want to watch the stars, okay? Let's just forget that Blaine even exists."
"Okay," I said and glanced at John and Felicia, who nodded in the darkness.
Tomorrow would be another day where we'd have to deal with the reality of life, but for now, we all lay back and for a while longer, we watched the falling stars streak across the sky.
Chapter Eleven
Alexa
I said goodnight to John and Felicia sometime around one in the morning, when they went to their room in the guest wing.
Luke and I went to our own rooms and I climbed into bed, not even bothering to get undressed. I simply crashed.
"I need to sleep," I said, and Luke let me. I was no longer nauseated, but being up and around for several hours, even lying on the lawn chairs watching the meteor shower, exhausted me.
I fell asleep before Luke returned from the bathroom and woke up in the early morning when light began to creep into the room from under the heavy curtains. Of course, my nausea was back and stronger, if that was even possible. Maybe burning the midnight oil was not a good idea after all...
I ran to the bathroom and dry heaved, then when I was finished, I stood in front of the mirror and glanced at the wretch of a human being in front of me. My hair was scraggly, my face was pale and there were dark circles under my eyes.
"You are a mess, Alexandria Marie Dixon. An absolute mess."
"Shh," Luke said and entered the bathroom, coming up behind me, slipping his arms around my body. "You're beautiful even when you're a bit unkempt."
"Unkempt, am I?" I asked, quirking my eyebrow at him in the mirror.
"Yes," he said. "But there's some peppermint tea, honey and crackers on a tray on the bed for you. It will go a long way to making you kempt."
I smiled weakly, glad that he was able to keep his sense of humor, despite the ongoing disruption to our lives.
"Are you going into the city today?" I asked when Luke let go of me. I turned on the tap so I could wash my face.
He nodded. "I'm going to speak with Pete about the thing," he said, and I knew he was trying not to mention Blaine by name. "But I'll be back for supper. Mark will be in the house while I'm gone so you don't have to worry about being alone."
