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“That was the former Marine who left the package of letters in the mailbox,” I said, my voice barely audible. “I’m just upset.”
“Why did you hit him? Do you know him? Was he one of Dan’s friends?”
I shook my head. “No. He was given the letters by mistake. He returned them. That’s all.” I turned to her, my eyes blurry. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay? I’m very upset.”
“Of course,” she said and put her arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. “You don’t have to say anything. We’re all upset today. It’s a hard day.”
I nodded. I wanted to go and see Dan’s plaque, touch it. Seeing Beckett had ruined the day for me because it brought back how happy I was being with him, how much I enjoyed his company, how there was a part of me that I tucked away, back in the farthest corner of my heart, that hoped something more would develop between us.
Then to find out that he lied to me about so much…
We walked back to the memorial wall and stood in front of Dan’s plaque, Scott talking softly about his earliest memories of Dan as a boy. How he always wanted to play soldier, right from his earliest days. How he was so proud of Dan when he joined up and then made Special Operations Forces.
I stood and cried my eyes out, and in truth, my tears were for Dan and for myself. I had hoped that Beckett was someone who could fill the hole in my chest left by Dan’s death. Even though no one could ever replace Dan, there might be room in there for someone different. Someone new.
I thought Beckett was that someone. Everything seemed so great with him. It felt so damn easy.
Why had he deceived me?
I felt incredibly guilty that I was as upset about Beckett as I was about Dan.
“Let’s go,” Jeanne said and put an arm around my shoulder. Together, the three of us left the cemetery and went back to the hotel to get ready for our meeting with the other families.
I had thought I’d be able to say my goodbyes to Dan and while I knew that I’d never really get over his death or his loss, I could find someone else to fill part of the hole his absence left inside of me.
Now, all I felt was empty.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Beckett
I drove back to my hotel room and removed my uniform, folding it back up and tucking it away in my suitcase. What a mistake, coming to Arlington. I really thought if I went early, I wouldn’t run into her. Of all the luck to go early and find that they’d gone early as well…
I checked out of my room and drove back to New York, arriving much later that night, having stopped for a rest along the way in Philadelphia. It was dark and I went right into my apartment, removed my clothes, and threw myself in bed, having only eaten a hot dog I bought in a gas station on route from Philly. I tossed and turned, going over the scene in my mind’s eye – her face as she came up to me, the tears in her eyes… I hurt her, badly. She felt betrayed that I knew who she was all along and pretended not to know.
She was right. I did betray her. I should have told her.
For that, I knew she could never forgive me. Even if I told her the truth, she’d hate me every time she saw my face because it was my fault that her husband died.
How could she not hate me?
At 2:00 AM, after not being able to fall asleep, tossing and turning, my guts in a knot, I texted Casey.
BECKETT: Things did not go well.
She could have ignored my text, but she didn’t.
CASEY: You really thought they would?
I sighed and replied.
BECKETT: I hoped.
Her text took a few moments to arrive.
CASEY: Hope in one hand, shit in the other. See which one fills up faster. I’m surprised you actually expected her to forgive you. What did you tell her, anyway? How did you tell her?
I cringed inwardly.
