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I covered my face, gasping for breath as the panic attack kicked in and I felt as if my heart would explode, as if I would pass out. He grabbed me, his arms around me, and just held me as I fought to regain control.
"Just breathe," he said, his voice calm in my ear, his breath warm on my cheek. "Breathe in slowly. Count to six, then out through your teeth for six."
I tried, knowing the whole deep breathing exercise by heart, and in a few moments, the tingling in my arms and legs subsided and my chest stopped heaving. Soon, I was breathing almost normally, and the anxiety dissipated. I let him hold me, still needing his comfort to soothe my fears.
"You have to give yourself time." He kissed me and wiped my tears away. "Come back and sit down."
I turned and he took my hand, leading me back to the picnic spot. I sat on the stump and stared at the ocean. Hunter sat beside me, his thigh pressed against mine.
He put one arm around my shoulders. "You have to create new memories."
I struggled to speak. "I have new memories." I wiped my cheeks. "They don't delete the old ones."
He took in a deep breath. "Let me tell you a story. There was this beautiful princess who was forced into being a slave girl to a pirate. She tried to escape him, but he took advantage of her. Because of him, she was hurt very badly."
"That's not what happened."
"It's pretty much that." He looked away. "I should have paid off Graham's debt and let you live your life. Everything would have been different if I hadn't been so greedy. I remember the day I first saw you at college. You were so beautiful and I wanted you so much, but you were Graham's sister. I always wanted you. When you threw me over, I was hurt. I was jealous. I should never have taken advantage of your situation."
"I didn’t throw you over. I let you go. I was afraid Spencer would get you in trouble. He threatened to if I didn’t stop seeing you. I wanted you, too."
"It doesn’t matter now," he said but he gave me a soft smile. "You were so smart and fun and I wanted to be with you. When you started seeing Greg, I felt like such a failure."
I said nothing for a moment. "I never saw Greg. That was just a lie to get you to stop coming by."
He shook his head like he didn’t believe me. "I felt so – tarnished – compared to you. You were smart, really smart. When we got together that one night? I thought it was the start of a real relationship." He held my hands in his. "When you came to me and asked me to pay off Graham's debt, I had already decided to. I should have turned you away and never seen you again. What an idiot. I put you in danger. It was because of me that you were hurt. That you had to leave."
"I had to leave because of Spencer just as much as you."
He looked away. "In the end, I couldn’t protect you. I promised I'd protect you and I failed."
"You were in jail falsely charged with Spencer's murder. It wasn’t your fault I was abducted."
"I want to apologize for everything."
I glanced away, my emotions building with all the talk about the past.
"Is that why you're here? To apologize for not saying goodbye?"
He nodded. "Your Aunt Diane talked to me after I left the hospital that night. She told me I'd been nothing but trouble for you and I should man up and leave you to start a new life. I thought if I gave you time, you'd get a new life and move on
. Both of us would be better off."
"Are you better off?" I asked, watching his face.
He shook his head. "Are you?"
"I'm alive," I said, thinking about my new life in Duncan's Cove. "But there's just this big hole, this emptiness. I miss Graham. I miss Boston."
What I wanted to say was that I missed him as well.
But I didn't.
Hunter stood and began packing the picnic things up. I watched, wondering if I could say it – that I missed him. He folded the blanket and tucked the empty glasses away in the wicker basket. When he was done, I followed him back down the trail. We talked about life back in Boston, and I tried to process everything.
When we finally emerged from the path back at the house, we stood in the yard at the door.
"Will you come in?" he asked. "You should probably have a drink of water, rehydrate after drinking the vodka."
