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"This isn't abuse. It's consensual. He's not a sadist."
"You can't do this. You can't choose this, Kate. If you do, there's something wrong with you. Send him an email right now and tell him you don't want to go through with this," she said, pointing to the agreement. "Tell him you came to your senses and have no interest in his kinky lifestyle. Then, come and stay with me. You shouldn't be alone so much. We'll find you a real boyfriend."
"But I like him, Dawn. He's actually sweet when he lets down his front."
"More like when he puts up his harmless front… Kate. Listen to me. This is a big mistake. Didn't jerkface Kurt teach you anything?"
I sat there, my heart pounding, so confused. I wanted Drake. I wanted to have sex with him. Just plain old vanilla sex. But I also wanted to try bondage. I wanted to be like those women in his letters, waiting alone in my apartment for him to come to me, make me feel something so intense. I didn't know what else I wanted, but I knew I wanted those things. I had never just felt such an overwhelming need to fuck a man before. Just fuck him.
What was so wrong about that?
The way Dawn sounded, Drake was a monster and I was off my rocker.
I covered my eyes and bit back tears of anger and frustration.
"See?" she said, wrapping her arms around me. "He's got you so confused you can't think straight. He's dangerous, Kate. I told you that the moment I laid eyes on him in the pub that night."
She was wrong. I wasn't confused. I was certain. Her response made that clear to me. One thing I was also certain of was that Dawn could hurt Drake if she wanted to.
"You can't say anything to anyone about this. He's a friend of my father's. He's got a respectable job. He does charity work. He saves patient's lives."
"Probably because he feels guilty about the things he does. What do you think your father would say if he knew you were with him and if he knew what Drake was? What would Drake's patients think if they knew he tied women up and fisted them vaginally?"
"No one knows what people do in the privacy of their bedrooms. Why should it matter if it doesn't affect their jobs? This is between consenting adults."
"Why would anyone consent to this?" She just shook her head. "You're over the edge, Kate. Not thinking right. Send that email right now. Tell him you changed your mind."
"I'll think about it," I said. "I'm not doing anything right now."
"I'm not leaving until you do."
"Dawn, this is my decision. I have to do what I think is right."
"Do I have to call your father and warn him?"
Then, I regretted telling her anything about Drake. One more mistake on top of the many others.
"Don’t do that. I'm asking you as my best friend. Don't say anything."
"When I was a little girl, I couldn’t do anything about my sister. I won't stand by now and see you abused."
"I'm not being abused," I said, frustrated and afraid. "It's not abuse if it's consensual. If I want it."
"No, you're just sick if you want it." She stood up. "I will tell your father if you don't tell Drake to get lost."
"Dawn, I'm pleading with you – don't do this! At least meet with him and talk to him yourself."
"So he can try to smooth-talk me? No way. I saw everything I needed with that agreement. Send him a text. Email him – I don't care what. I'm doing this as someone who loves you."
I sat with my eyes closed, fighting my emotions. Dawn's expression was intense, her mouth determined.
If I didn't break it off with Drake, she'd call my father. Who knew what my father would do. He could get Drake in a lot of trouble…
I sat at my computer on the desk against the wall and composed the email, tears in my eyes.
From: McDermott, Katherine M.
Sent: November 12, 5:31 PM
