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I shook my head. "No, I'm fine. It's my allergies. I'm just a bit disappointed, that's all. You know how it is when you have high hopes for a relationship and it doesn't work out."
"We've all been there before Kate," Elaine said, smiling at me, her expression sympathetic.
"Drake came by just a few minutes ago," my father said. "Asked if you were OK. You told him you were going back tomorrow?"
"Yeah, " I said, trying to sound nonchalant. "He agreed."
"He seemed really upset, Katherine." My father just shook his head. "Guess I was really wrong about you two. Maybe I should hang up my matchmaking hat."
"Oh, don't do that Daddy. I'll meet the right man some day." I forced a smile that I didn’t feel and picked up my menu.
I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep, my mind going over everything again and again. Should I just go to him and tell him the truth? What would he do? I had the sense he'd ignore it and push on, arguing that we'd just be really careful. But Dawn was not going to let up either. I knew she'd watch me like a hawk. If she'd been determined enough to hire a PI to track down info on Drake, she'd have someone follow me. She was really moralistic at times, and we'd clashed in the past over issues, but we'd always found a way through the disagreements because of the sheer length of time we'd been friends.
Back in Manhattan, nothing changed. I arrived in my apartment late that night and crept right into bed. I slept in most of the next day, unable to get out of the bed except to go to the bathroom. I felt as if I'd been hit by a truck, my body aching, my stomach sick. I just closed the drapes in my bedroom in some ridiculous attempt to block out the world. I had one more day off before I had to go to work.
I told myself that it was for the best. I didn't want Drake to be disgraced because of me. I couldn't live with myself if my selfishness led to harm of his career or reputation. He was an important neurosurgeon. He did really great things for people. If he was disgraced because of me, because of Dawn's moralistic crusade, I could never live it down, and there would be nothing I could do to fix things.
This was just the way it had to be.
It didn't make it any easier to bear. I wanted him – so much. It was so good with him, even just the vanilla sex. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if he really had his 'Dom hat' on with me. I remembered how much those letters he wrote to his subs affected me.
I went to my history and found the website and logged in so I could read another letter.
To my new sub:
Don't be afraid, little one. You're safe with me. You can just relax in my embrace and know that I will protect you. I will learn you inside and out – what you like, what you dislike, what you need and what you don't need. Then, I will give you everything you desire.
I will approach you like a wild animal in need of being tamed to hand. I will tame you. You feel out of control now, but one day, I will come to you as you wait for me in position, your blindfold on. I will whisper your name, my mouth next to your ear, my breath warm on your naked skin, my hands caressing you. When I bind your hands with my soft leather restraints, when I tie your feet to the bedposts, you'll be completely controlled and all your anxiety will be gone. You don't have to make any decision from now on when you're with me. I will make them all. Every decision will be about your pleasure for that is my pleasure.
One day, you will purr like a contented kitten as I stroke you, running my fingers over your naked skin, exploring every inch of you with my eyes, my fingers, my tongue, my cock. For the first time, you'll be free of all your fears, all your insecurities and doubts. You know how much I desire you by how hard I am when I'm with you, how much I enjoy every inch of your body, your scent, your touch, your every response, your every gasp, your every moan of pleasure.
Once we cross the threshold into our special world where just we two exist, you can leave all your fears behind. You turn over your will to me, and when you do, you will feel as much desire as you are able, as much lust as you can possibly feel. I want it all.
I can handle you.
Why did that affect me so deeply? Drake had that effect on me. I felt as if he knew what was going on in my mind, what I needed, how to touch me, what to say. He felt so certain and confident, his b
ody warm and firm. Strong.
But he accepted what I said. He believed me. He let me go. Did he really think I was bored? Did he really think I was interested in meeting someone else?
If he did, then he didn't really know me as well as I thought because inside I was dying.
I barely ate anything, my stomach sick, my head aching. By Sunday night, I felt entirely hopeless. Drake didn't even fight for me. He just let me go.
I must not have meant much to him after all.
I realized that despite his so attentive treatment of me when we had been together, he really did see me as a project to study and plan and carry out, nothing more. If he had felt anything for me beyond just a new project, he wouldn't have let me leave.
As each hour passed without him even sending me an email or text, a phone call, agonizingly slowly, that sunk in even more deeply. I had been so delusional to think he was more than just a Dom to me. That I was more than just a new sub to train.
I hadn't taken a shower or brushed my teeth for two days. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed Sunday night before the sun even set.
On Monday I couldn't face work. I couldn't face getting up and having a shower. I just dragged myself out of bed and sent my boss an email saying I was sick and needed a day off. That I'd be in on Tuesday. But in truth, I felt like Tuesday would feel just the same as Monday.
On Monday afternoon, my father called. I woke up and checked my caller ID. I had to answer. I didn't want him worried.
"Hey, sweetheart. How are you? We expected to hear from you."
