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Drake entered the deli and came right over to my table, pulling up the rickety chair beside me. He sat next to me, his knee wedged in between mine as if he was trying to block my escape, prevent me from leaving. He leaned close to me, taking my hand in his. He kissed my knuckles. His face was pale, his brow furrowed.
"Drake, you can't do this," I said, almost whispering, trying to pull my hand away from him, wiping my eyes. "We have to just end this. Better to do it now before any damage is done."
"It's already been done. I want you. Don't you want me?"
I said nothing, sighing, emotions building in me. Of course I did. "It doesn't matter what we want."
"Tell me that you don't want me."
I exhaled and tried to avoid his eyes.
"Tell me, Kate. If you don't want me, I'll leave right now."
"It's not that I don't want you," I said, staring at the leather strap on his wrist, the story he told me about it making my heart break for him. "I do want you but we can't be together. It's for your own good."
"If you still want me, we'll find a way to work around this, whatever it is. Tell me who knows? What did they say?"
"I can't tell you," I said, leaning back a bit from him, his gaze so intense. I couldn't extract my hand from his. "Look, barely anything has happened between us. We had sex a couple of times. We should just let this drop. I'm sure there are other subs with far fewer … impediments than I have."
"Impediments…" he said, smiling just a bit. "Something happened between us, Kate. I know it's only been a short time, but I don’t want this to end, especially not in this way because of someone else forcing us. If we stop seeing each other, it should be because of how we feel, not someone else's judgment."
I just stared at him. He was so sure of himself.
"This person told me there was a restraining order against you. Your ex-wife…"
He closed his eyes and bowed his head, his hands still grasping mine. Then he glanced back up at me, his blu
e eyes pained.
"That was a long time ago in a different life."
"You can understand why they, and why I, might be concerned… You are into BDSM."
"Not the SM part. Kate, I didn't injure her. I tried to prevent her from leaving our home. That's all. I prevented her from leaving for a while. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to try to work things out. She wasn't listening."
"Why? What happened between you? Why did your marriage fail?"
He sighed and just stared at me as if deciding if it was worth it to tell me.
"Why does any marriage fail?" He shook his head. "Because the couple are no longer in sync. We were no longer in sync. I wanted more control. She didn't want me to have it. I was so ambitious about my career, traveling around the country doing conferences, presenting papers. We grew apart, and when I did finally try to assert more control, she was already gone emotionally."
"You were just starting to recognize your Dom tendencies?"
"Yes, but not very clearly. Look, I may have been a self-centered asshole, but I never hurt her. Never."
"Why were you a self-centered asshole?"
"I spent too much time away. You know…"
"No I don't."
"I was like my father, Kate. I was too busy and neglected her."
I just stared at him.
"Why? Didn't you love her?"
He shrugged, exhaling as if exasperated. "I don't know. Part of me thinks I did still love her. Part of me thinks I had no idea what love was." He looked away as if he did know but didn't want to admit it. Finally, as if drawing on some deep reserve, he looked back up at me. "I neglected her and she fell out of love with me. She said I was a self-centered prick who cared only about myself."
