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"Kate, I'm a Dominant," he said again, and I could hear the frustration in his voice. "I need control. We've been over this." His gaze moved over my face. "Are you unhappy with me?" His face was guarded, his eyes half-hooded.
I sighed heavily. "I love you, Drake but you told me to tell you if I felt neglected. Well, I feel neglected."
He stared at me, his gaze moving over my face. "I understand, but I'm not fucking you now," he said, his voice calm. "You'll have to wait."
"Fine," I said and pulled on my socks. I went to the closet and grabbed my coat, my scarf and mitts. Then I picked up my bag and went to the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked, standing in the entryway, watching me.
"Outside to work off some of this unresolved sexual tension. Outside of sex, I'm a free agent, Drake. I'm not submissive. I can do whatever I please. I'm going to the studio. Then, I might go to my parents. I might go to an art gallery. Who knows?"
"Do
n't do this, Kate. Don't leave angry."
"See you later," I said, slamming the door behind me.
I felt frustrated but mostly, I felt afraid. I understood that letting the Dom decide when to have sex was part of D/s and that the submissive turned over all those decisions to her Dom, but since Drake found out about Liam, he'd been away most of the day, coming back to the apartment only late in the day. We'd barely had sex. I felt him pulling back, as if he was reverting to his old ways.
I walked to a small park close to the apartment and sat on a bench. Then, I called Lara.
"Problems with Drake?"
"You got it."
I told her how it had been with us. "I feel like he's going back to the way things were before we met. Keeping his emotions so carefully under control."
She sighed on the other end of the call.
"Sounds like typical Dom/sub adjustments. Drake's a bit older. Older men tend to want quality over quantity. It's both physical and psychological. They have more experience, they tend to want to spend more time and they have more stamina. What Drake wants makes sense, though. He wants to channel all your desire and focus it on your scenes so that they're even more intense. It sounds like it's working if you find them really thrilling. But you're chafing a bit under the saddle."
"The saddle? Am I a horse?" I said, smiling despite being frustrated.
She laughed. "Just a useful term. Horses tend to get sores from wearing a saddle for the first time, being ridden often, controlled by their rider. Nothing that other life partners don't face. Don’t make more of it than you need to. Look at this frustrated sexual desire as a gift you give to Drake when you're in scene with him. He enjoys your desire, controlling it, satisfying it. That's his thing, Kate. Not pain. Not humiliation. Getting into your mind and giving you pleasure. It will be that much better for you both if you just give in."
"Now that I have him there in my bed every morning, I want him but I don't get to enjoy him. It's very frustrating."
"Think about how good it will be when you do your scene later. You'll be dying for it and it will be that much better. Seriously, Kate. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Familiarity breeds contempt."
"Out of sight, out of mind," I countered.
"Is he out of your mind now?"
"No, but I feel as if he's avoiding me. He escapes every day and I wonder if he's trying to keep a distance between us. Like he's not able to really be a couple. It's why his marriage fell apart, and now I'm afraid he's reverting back to that pattern."
"Adjustments, Kate. Baby steps for both of you. You as a sub, him as a life partner. I think he'd pretty much written that off for himself after the divorce so you're unexpected."
"You think so?"
"I know so. He said he did love and marriage once and realized it wasn't for him."
I was silent for a moment, thinking of Drake giving up on love and marriage. How sad, if so. Was he that afraid of being hurt again? I couldn’t imagine a man as accomplished and intelligent and strong being afraid of having his heart broken.
If he really felt he couldn't do love and marriage, was there any future for us?
"Kate, Drake's in love with you," Lara said, as if reading my mind. "That much I do know. Give him time. Give yourself time. This is a big adjustment for you both, especially now with all this on Drake's plate. Baby steps, honey. Let him take baby steps. He's letting you."
"You're probably right."
