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"She told you that?"
I didn’t think I told her I was having second thoughts. I thought I just said I wasn't sure if Jon was able to make a commitment to the relationship.
"I love Jon," I say to him. "I mean, I love him as a person. I think I could love him as a man, in that way. But I don’t know if he can do that back."
"Hun, you two have known each other for how long? Five years? If you don't know each other by now, you never will. You know him as a person and a man. Do you think he's a good man?"
"He is," I say, imagining him in my mind's eye. "He's a very good person and man. He's a former Army Ranger. He's brave and he's strong and he's ambitious and he's funny. But he plays around and has never had a serious relationship."
"Maybe he's never had you." My father raises his eyebrows like he's made a point in our discussion. It feels like the point. "Maybe," he says, and takes my hand, squeezing it, "you have to give him a chance."
"And ruin our business relationship? We have an amazing partnership. We work really well together. We're good together. I don't want to ruin that."
"Then don't. Go all in. It seems to me that you've already more than dipped your toe into this. Go big or go home, I always say."
I smile at him and squeeze his hand back. "How did you get so smart about relationships?"
"I met your mom and she taught me everything I know about love and marriage. You and Steven taught me everything I know about being a father."
I squeeze his hand again. Both of us are silent for a moment, thinking about Steven's death, which has left a hole in my heart that can never be filled. It can only grow scar tissue where the hole still is.
"I hope things work out with you and Jon," my dad says after a moment. "He's a really smart, successful, hard-working, honorable young man."
"You think so?" I say, surprised to hear him talk about Jon that way.
"I do," he says. “If Steven liked him, I know he's a good guy."
That makes me feel better about Jon. I know it's crazy. I'm a grown woman. I should be able to decide on my own who I sleep with and who I love, but I'm afraid of making a mistake. I'm afraid of not having listened to Marina, who has warned me off Jon whenever the subject of me getting together with him has surfaced, which it has on and off over the years.
Dad and I clean up after the meal is over and I kiss him goodbye. He's going back up to the hospital to see my mom once more and I'm going home.
I drive along the streets back to my place, thinking of everything – of my mom's recovery, of my dad's words to me about love and giving Jon a chance, and most of all, about Jon. On my music mix, “If You Leave Me Now” by Chicago comes on. I skip ahead. “Make it With You” by Bread.
I turn off the MP3 player and listen to a local newscast instead.
I don't need the sappy seventies music that I normally love.
I only know I want Jon.
When I get back home, I make a cup of decaf coffee and sit on my patio in the darkness, overlooking the Bay. I love this time of night, just after the sun has set and the horizon is still slightly pink from the setting sun. The stars begin to peek out and I can hear the hum of the freeway in the distance.
I feel so lonely.
My cell pings and I remove it from my bag and check.
JON: Can we talk?
I was hoping to spend the evening without thinking about Jon, but I can't escape this.
INDIA: Talk away.
JON: I mean in person. I have more powers when I'm physically present to manipulate events to my liking, which happens to include overpowering y
our futile resistance to my charms.
INDIA: You think your physical presence will sway me more than your words?
JON: I've been told I have animal magnetism. I like to use that to my advantage.
