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The day quickly turns into night, and I’m hyper-aware of how close we are and each time our bodies touch as we prepare dinner. While I’m mashing potatoes, she’s cooking the fresh fish I caught. I watch her as she seasons it for the kids, then switching to a different fish and seasoning it how I like it. It’s little things like that, the way she knows me, the understanding we have of each other, that settles in nicely inside me. I’m more than content right now, and though it’s new and exciting, it scares the shit out of me.
We glide through dinner in practiced motions, then get through the kids’ bedtime routines like clockwork. The night before, she put Jackson to bed, and I took Evie, so tonight we switch like we do every other night. Evie likes having the chapters read to her at night still, but with Kacee, Jackson’s been learning to read all on his own, so he picks out a comic book for us to read together.
I’m always so surprised by how well he’s doing now since Kacee arrived, by how little help he needs from me. I watch him follow the words on the page with his finger.
“What do you think?” I ask once we’re finished with half of it.
He looks up at me. “About what, Daddy?”
“About Kacee,” I clarify. He nods knowingly, with all the gravity of a young child.
“She’s nice and pretty,” Jackson says simply. “I like that she’s teaching me how to read, count and do math problems, and how to draw stick people. Plus, I like her cooking.”
“Better than mine?” I joke, making him laugh. “But do you like her?” I ask straightforwardly. Jackson closes his comic book and thinks it over. He’s a quiet boy, a deep thinker, and he chooses his words carefully, whereas Evie’s more of a first-thought, best-thought kind of kid.
“I do,” Jackson says, eventually. “She’s really nice, and I want her to stay here with us forever.” He peers up at me, then picks the comic book up again. “Can she?”
“What?” I say, but he keeps looking up at me, so I reply, “Maybe.”
“Cool,” he replies, opening his comic book back up. “Can we keep reading?”
And it’s that easy. For Evie and Jackson, she’s their friend, their teacher, their confidant, their playmate. All they know is that they like having her around. They prefer it this way. They don’t remember any other way, it seems. Somehow, she’s become an intricate, valuable part of not only my life but of theirs, too.
Once Evie and Jackson are asleep, Kacee takes me by the hand, leading me to the sofa in the living room to sit with her. I’m worried she’ll want to talk about us, to define whatever this means between us when I’m not sure I have the right words for it quite yet, but she doesn’t bring it up. Instead, she puts on a movie, comes close to me, and nestles her head on my chest. I wrap my arm around her and hold her.
I like being with her, but even more, I love how she is with my kids and how she makes me feel when I watch her with them. I’m not really paying attention to the movie, mainly just lost in my thoughts, but I can’t stop looking at her and thinking about us. It’s hard for me to express my feelings, but I know I have to say something.
“I don’t want this to end,” I tell her, probably interrupting a critical scene in the movie. She tips her head up to look at me, blonde hair spilling down her back. She smiles.
“I don’t either,” she says. It’s a simple life, but a good one. We could be happy together, just like this.
Rebecca flashes through my mind again, and I force the thought away, but I remind myself she’d want me to be happy. I know she wouldn’t want me to be alone. I should try and let myself be happy again even though it’s a hard concept for me to grasp fully.
“I want to be with you,” I admit. “I’m not always an easy person to read, but I just wanted to put that out in there in case you’re wondering.”
She smiles wider, happy. There’s some sort of chase scene happening on the TV, with tires going out and chaos and screaming. It all seems like it’s happening far away, even though Kacee was just invested in it.
“I want to be with you, too.” She lifts herself up, sliding onto my lap, and wraps her arms around my neck, tugging me in. I go willingly, allowing her to kiss me, letting her closer than I’ve let anyone be in years. It feels terrifying, but in the best possible way, so I’m trying to reveal my feelings and just be in the moment with her right now. I just hope I can be the man she deserves.
8
Kacee
THREE MONTHS LATER
I run inside quickly and grab a couple bottles of water for the kids and can’t help the butterflies swarming in my stomach at my excitement. I really need to speak with Parker alone but haven’t found the courage yet. Or the time.
Weirdly enough when I walk in, I don’t see Parker anywhere in the house, so I grab the bottles quickly and go back outside to Evie and Jackson. I find them right where I left them—outside setting up their new T-ball set. I hand them the waters and tell them to drink up because I don’t want them to get dehydrated.
Evie and Jackson have been begging for our attention all day, and I love them, but they’re driving me crazy. I step back, hands raised as if I’m a peaceable negotiator.
“Now, you’re not going to hit each other or anything else with the bat, right?”
“Right!” they both exclaim.
I put my hand down, and they each put their hands on top of mine, and we blow them up, like a proper baseball team huddle. When I glance back at the house, I notice Parker in the window. He waves me inside, then vanishes, so I turn back to the kids and clap my hands together.
“Alright. Well, I’m going to go take a little break. If it’s an emergency, come find me.”
