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‘I was … er … thinking…’
‘Wow.’
She paused but let the jibe pass.
‘We’ve been married for three years… Your mother…’
‘So you have a problem with her now?’
‘No,’ she replied patiently. ‘Everyone we meet now just talks about one thing … I was thinking it may not be a bad idea to…’
‘To?’
‘To … er … consider a baby.’ She stared at the fork in her hand, and then looked up, half afraid that a nasty jibe would come flying towards her any second.
He was staring at her, his mouth open.
‘You want a baby?’ he asked.
‘Y … yes,’ she mumbled, now fiddling with the napkin.
He got up and she cowered. He took three long strides and was beside her in a jiffy.
She wondered if he was going to hit her.
He threw his hands around her and hugged her so tight that she thought her chest would collapse inwards.
What was that weird sound? Was he grunting? Gosh, no, he was laughing. Too shocked to respond, she let him pick her up and twirl her around in sheer delight.
‘YES! YES! YES!’ he shouted joyfully. ‘A baby!’
A baby who could bring them closer. A baby who could make them a family, finally. Oh, yes, a baby!
Dr Jacob smiled when he saw the forlorn-looking couple and asked them to sit down.
‘So you conceived after two months of trying?’ Dr Jacob asked, opening their file.
She nodded.
‘And you miscarried?’
She remained silent. Dr Jacob looked at him questioningly.
‘Four months later,’ he said. ‘It’s still quite difficult for her to talk about the miscarriage,’ he added. Dr Jacob nodded.
Miscarriage.
She felt her body contracting into a shell at the mention of the word. She remembered that night like it had happened yesterday. The dampness between her legs that had woken her up. The b
lood on her hands. Her screams. His white face. The doctors. The nurses. The deathly silence in the room when they started looking for a heart beat. The desperation in her heart as she prayed for a sound, any sound.
Oh, the noise of that silence. Even clasping her hands to her ears could not shut it out. And even now, it did not let her sleep.
In her heart she knew the baby had punished her – it had found out the real reason behind her desire to be a mother, and had decided not to come to her.
She had murdered her own baby by wanting it for the wrong reasons.
Missing the baby more now that it was gone, she invested the savage energies of bereavement into getting pregnant again.
