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Restless and agitated, Koyal gravitated towards the only home she knew in London. Surya Aunty. She called her to find out if she could spend some time with Mansha, convinced that it would help her take her mind off things.
‘Of course, Mansha would love to meet you,’ Surya Aunty gushed.
‘Is … ummm … Atharv home?’ she asked hesitatingly, not sure what reply she was hoping for.
‘No, no,’ Surya Aunty replied, ‘it will be just us tonight. He is away at the hospital.’
Later in the night, when they had exhausted themselves playing Monopoly and Mansha had been put to bed, Koyal and Surya Aunty were sitting down for a quiet dinner when the doorbell rang.
‘Who can that be?’ Surya Aunty said, looking at the clock which had just struck nine and hurried to the door. ‘Atharv won’t be in till tomorrow afternoon…’
‘Atharv!’ Koyal heard Surya Aunty exclaim. The two slowly appeared at the doorway.
‘Yes,’ Atharv said. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Yes.’
‘Mansha okay?’
‘Yes … of course, why do you ask?’
Atharv looked quizzically at his mother.
‘I … don’t really know … I just felt like I should be home … like somone, something…’ He stilled as his eyes fell on Koyal, who was watching this little scene and his face cleared.
She looked away, still angry at what he had done in the hospital and deeply embarrassed at what he had seen. But, if she were to be really honest, no longer quite as angry or embarrassed. For the first time since she had heard Amit’s voice that afternoon, it was only now, on seeing Atharv, that she felt her toes begin to uncurl. With him around, she breathed easier.
When Atharv joined them for dinner, Koyal watched in silence as mother and son chatted in the gentle way only a mother and child can converse in, thinking of and missing her own mother, and finding odd comfort in their banter. Koyal had mostly kept her phone switched off for the better part of the day. On the few occasions she had switched it on, a deluge of voice mails from Amit had hit her. The same thing in every one of them – Meet me, Koyal, just one time, please.
Atharv did not say anything to Koyal. When she got up to put her plate, the food almost untouched, in the kitchen, he looked pointedly at it but said nothing. At ten, when Koyal decided to leave, he asked her politely if he could drop her home
or to the station.
‘Are you sure?’ he asked, his eyes searching her face when she declined his offer.
‘I feel like a walk,’ she said looking around the cheerful house, already dreading the thoughts and the nightmares that awaited her in her own.
The biggest battles, Koyal thought to herself as the District line train pulled into the platform, are the ones we fight with ourselves.
No matter how strong a person is, being alone with just unhappy thoughts can be tough.
And sometimes one more lonely night is all that it takes for everything to fall apart.
He was at it again, more ferocious, angrier, scarier than ever before. She was running as fast as her legs could carry her, but she wasn’t fast enough. She was never fast enough.
He was closing in on her, any moment now … now … oh god!
And with that she woke up – again.
Drenched in sweat.
Breathing rapidly.
Her heart beating thunderously.
Koyal sat up on her bed, wrapped her arms around herself and rocked to and fro. She was, she thought, failing herself repeatedly each night. Yet she knew that something about tonight was different. No matter what she tried to do, her heart would not stop thumping. She felt the vein in her forehead begin to throb and breathing became laboured – never a good sign for her. The whole world felt like a rough rope, braided tight, in a noose around her neck.
She wondered how much longer she could go on like this, scared and fearful and with absolutely no one to reach out to.
