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‘Tell me,’ she insisted, pulling her chair closer to me.
‘Padma, I am meeting Rajeev today,’ I said quietly, taken aback that this had tumbled out for I had not even mentioned it to Anu. Funny how sometimes it is easier to speak honestly with people who are not as close to you.
There was silence for a few seconds during which Padma, whom I had spoken to about Rajeev earlier, stared at me, her eyes becoming bigger by the second.
‘Did you break off your engagement to Purva because of Rajeev?’ she asked. Put so bluntly, I cringed.
But it was time to be honest. With someone, at least.
‘Partly yes, partly no.’
‘No?’ she asked me, in a voice that was surprisingly gentle.
‘Because I was getting all worked up about the wedding. I did not feel ready at all.’
‘Hmmm … and why yes?’
‘Because if Rajeev had not materialized on the scene, I would have grumbled a little bit, thrown a few tantrums, probably gotten the wedding date postponed, but not broken off my engagement with Purva.’
‘Do you love Purva?’
‘Oh, yes … of course,’ I said the next instant and then I stopped short. What had I just said? The whole idea behind cancelling my wedding had been that I did not love Purva.
‘Does he love you?’
‘When we were together, I had no doubt that he loved me.’
‘Do you love Rajeev?’
I paused. ‘Umm … he ... he is very handsome ... and…’
‘Do you love Rajeev?’ Padma insisted.
‘I am attracted to him…’
‘Do you love Rajeev, Kasturi?’
I shook my head. ‘I am not sure,’ I said.
‘Then let me answer it for you,’ she said as I looked up at a very determined face staring back at me. ‘You don’t love Rajeev and I will tell you why I know. When we love someone, Kasturi, we know it even before we know. It’s like your soul hears your heart before you hear it. Love reaches somewhere deep inside us long before it becomes apparent. I would not have had to ask you thrice.’
I said nothing.
‘Does he love you?’ she asked.
‘Yes, he says so in his emails,’ I said.
‘When you guys were together earlier, did he ever tell you that he loved you?’ she asked, smiling. I felt better and less like I was being questioned by the police.
‘Yes, of course, all the time. I wish Purva had told me more often that he loved me.’
‘That Purva did not do the same is good, Kasturi,’ said Padma calmly.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Purva did not tell you each day that he loved you because it was such a big part of his existence that he felt no need to reiterate it. Like, you know, we breathe all the time, but do I feel the need to tell everyone that I am breathing? No. But when I go for a holiday to Chennai, I will tell people about it. Purva may not have told you of his love day-in and day-out but he did not cheat on you. Rajeev might have told you that he loved you each day, but…’ she paused, getting up, ‘he was cheating on you all the while. That, my dear friend, is the difference between the two men.’
I sat still. The whole atmosphere that Padma had created around me had ensconced me in a bubble of logic and sense. As she walked back to her desk, Padma turned around and raised one perfectly arched eyebrow at me.
