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Chapter Twenty-eight
Bobbi stared down at Shane, her heart in her chest—no it was in her throat because she didn’t think she could speak if she wanted to. And that was going to be a problem since she had a lot to say.
He took the last step and stopped inches from her. So close that she could smell that hint of mint from the gum he liked to chew. So close that she could feel the heat of him. The largeness of him.
He filled the aches and pains inside her and it was all she could do to not run into his arms and melt into his strength.
“I’m glad you were up,” he said, his voice low. “I don’t think Travis and Herschel would like waking up to a splintered door.”
She was dressed in a white tank top and blue pajama bottoms that had little pink panthers all over them, and for a second Bobbi glanced down at her bare toes. At the sparkly blue paint she’d decorated them with a few days ago.
It was chipped and worn. Kind of like her heart.
She was hot but then she started to shiver because she was cold, her teeth knocking together so badly that pain fingered out along her jaw.
This was it. The end of the line. This was her Helm’s Deep. Her battle for Gondor. Jesus Christ, where were her riders of Rohan?
“Bobbi, we need to talk because I sure as hell don’t know what’s going on or where we stand and I’m done walking in the dark. I can’t do it anymore.”
“I know,” she whispered, moving aside so that he could come in.
Shane followed her into the kitchen and watched in silence as she busied herself making a pot of coffee. She wasn’t sure she could stomach the hot brew at the moment, but she needed to do something while she figured out how she was going to do and say everything that she needed to.
In the end, she pressed the ‘on’ button and turned around, her butt leaning against the countertop as she gazed across the room at Shane.
There was nothing to do but get on with it.
“I need to tell you some things,” she said slowly. “And I need you to listen and not say anything until I’m done. Because if you do, I’m not sure I can get everything out and…” her eyes slid from his. “There’s so much.”
A heartbeat passed.
Then two and then three.
And on the fourth she began.
“Remember those last months…how we used fight, break-up, make-up, then fight again?”
He nodded, but remained silent.
“And that one time you pissed me off so much, I’m not even sure why anymore, but it was enough for me to say screw you, and I went out Derek Danvers a few times.”
His mouth was tight, his expression grim, but again, he was silent.
“It didn’t last and of course we made up and then you found out about Derek and that was the end.” She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around her middle, trying to find some comfort. Some small piece of bravery to help her get through.
“And then a month later I found out I was pregnant.”
The steady drip of the water into the coffee pot filled the silence, each drop louder than the last. She took a deep breath and continued.
“I lied. I didn’t have the abortion, Shane. I couldn’t go through with it.” She shuddered, aware that he’d moved closer to her. “I went to that clinic with every intention of ending the pregnancy. I mean, I was twenty and we just had the biggest fight ever. How could I have a baby? Betty was home from one of her modeling assignments, thank god, and she took me one bright, sunny morning. I remember the lilac bushes were in bloom along the driveway. Purple and white. They were so pretty…”
Drip, drip, drip. She glanced at the coffee pot.
“The room smelled sterile, like rubbing alcohol. It was cold and grey, like all the color had bled out of the walls. They wouldn’t let Betty come in with me so I had to go into the procedure room alone.”
God, if she closed her eyes it felt as if was there. As if the smell was inside her nose. Inside her heart.
So, Bobbi kept her eyes open, desperately trying to keep her head above the water that lapped at her neck. The cold, grey, dead water.
