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Whatever it was, something dark lit up inside me, and finally I found my voice.
“You want to know what’s wrong with me? Have you got all night? Because I’ve got to tell you, Everly, the list is impressive.”
She flinched, like I’d slapped her or something, but I kept on because now that I’d found my voice, there was no stopping me.
“Let’s see, I can’t drive anymore. You know, because of the whole epileptic thing. I doubt I’ll pass the stupid government test, which means I’m stuck here for a lot longer than I want to be, and that sucks more than you know. Um, I have trouble sleeping, my head hurts, and well, as you’ve seen more than once or twice, my vocabulary isn’t always stellar.”
“I don’t…just shut up,” she said.
“You started this, Everly. You came here. You need to know that I can’t handle my shit and deal with your crap too.”
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Yeah, well, believe it. I’m a dick. I know it, and now you know it, and I think that whatever this is that we have is done.”
“You’re breaking up with me?”
The dark fire, it just got hotter and hotter. I let it spread, and being the bastard that I am, I kind of enjoyed the feel of it.
“Were we an official couple? I guess I missed the memo on that one. Jesus, Everly. We made out a few times and went to a cottage. That’s about it.”
The hurt in her eyes was something I’d never forget, and I don’t think it was possible for me to feel any more like the stupid bastard that I was. But being a stupid bastard was easier than letting her see the real me. She didn’t know it yet, but I was doing her a favor.
“You’re an asshole.”
“Been told that before, so now that you know, it makes things easier, doesn’t it?”
For a few moments she said nothing. I was already coming down from wherever the hell I’d been and feeling sick to my stomach. My head hurt. My body hurt, and my heart hurt.
“I can’t believe that after everything,” she whispered, and her voice broke, “after Baton Rouge, you can be like this.” She wiped at her eyes. “What did I do?”
I needed to make her understand.
“You didn’t do anything. It’s not you, Everly. It’s me. It will always be me. Don’t you get it?”
She sniffled. Wiped the back of her hand across her damp cheeks. “No,” she said hoarsely. “No, I don’t get it.” She paused for a moment, her eyes dark. “I would have been there for you. I would have done whatever you wanted. Been whatever you needed me to be.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t need you,” I said.
Liar.
Everly moved toward the door. “That’s too bad, Trevor.” Her voice shook. She opened it and paused. “Because I need you.”
And then she was gone.
Even though I wanted to run after her, to scoop her up and hug her and to be there for her, I didn’t. I sat on my bed and stared at the floor until darkness fell. Until my dad came into my room and sat down beside me.
He didn’t say anything for the longest time. He didn’t give me shit for the stunt I’d pulled at dinner or ask about Everly. He just sat with me, his massive shoulders touching mine, his beefy hands folded together on his lap. And when I couldn’t take it anymore, I broke the silence.
“I screwed up.”
A pause.
“I know.”
“Like I think I just lost everything that matters.” I thought of Nate and our plans. Of my guitar that had been silent for months. I thought of Everly and the hurt in her eyes and the fact that I didn’t think I could fix her, or me for that matter. I felt something hot prick the corner of my eyes.
I scrubbed my face and tried to hold it back, but when my dad’s arms crept around me, I couldn’t stop that thing inside me. The one that was hot and heavy and full of pain. My dad pulled me in close, just like he used to do when I was a kid, and I cried like a baby. Me. Trevor Lewis.
