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He said I know it’s none of my business, but.
I laid them out on the table.
I said oh it’s nothing, it’s just a bit embarrassing.
He looked at them, and he moved his fingers towards them and this time I didn’t flinch or pull away but he didn’t touch them.
He said what’s embarrassing, what happened?
I said I broke some plates.
I said actually I broke all my plates, I threw them into the sink when I should have been washing them up.
I kept picking up the pieces and throwing them back in and it was only afterwards that I realised I’d cut myself I said.
He looked at me and he didn’t ask me why I’d done it.
I said it had been raining a lot that day, I lost my temper.
He looked at me.
He said raining a lot?
I said yes, you know, it just all got a bit, and I couldn’t really explain and I laughed a little. I was embarrassed.
I thought I’d made myself look stupid.
He said and what else, apart from the rain?
I looked at him, I took my hands off the table and closed my fingers over my palms again.
He said I’m sorry, I know, it’s none of my business.
I looked at him, and I looked at his hands spread across the tablecloth, and I told him.
I told him that about four weeks ago I’d discovered I was pregnant.
That I was scared and horrified and numb with shock.
That I hadn’t been able to tell anyone for a long time and I wasn’t sure why it had been so difficult.
And that when I’d told my mum she’d been polite and indifferent and I didn’t know what she really felt.
I told him that I’d thought she’d be shocked or cross or upset, but that when she was none of these things I was actually unsurprised.
I told him I hadn’t even spoken to my dad yet, that I didn’t even know whether he knew.
I said that I wasn’t ready to have a baby.
I said that I didn’t know what to do.
I said all of this very quietly, and I was amazed to hear the words coming out at all, like butterflies wriggling through net curtains.
He asked me questions, tracing his fingers across the tablecloth as if it was a map.
He asked me for the details, he said stop me if I’m going too far and I didn’t stop him.
He asked me the questions my mother didn’t ask, the who is the and the have you thought about?
