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“I had no idea,” he chokes out. “I was so focused on ruining him I didn’t see what was right in front of me. You needed me, and I wasn’t there. I left you alone and vulnerable, and the worst part is you thought it was my doing. I had destroyed your trust in me so completely that you actually believed I hired that piece of shit to hurt you.”
His admission stuns me. All this time, I had questioned the truth I thought I knew. Deep inside, it felt wrong, and now I know why. The weight of that realization relieves me, but it doesn’t take away the hurt. For months, I’ve felt like I was dying inside, and it was all for nothing.
You did destroy me, I write. I never needed you to protect me from the truth, Alessio. Your lies cost me my sanity and months of our lives. The pain of that betrayal was unbearable. What was it all for? What did it accomplish other than driving me away?
“I know you don’t need me to protect you.” His voice is rough when he replies. “I don’t doubt your capabilities, but I will always want to protect you because I’m your husband, and that’s my job. It was the one thing I thought I could do for you. Perhaps it was misguided, but I didn’t want to burden you with additional pain. I had already caused you enough by pushing you away. I can’t change what happened, but I can promise you on my life I will never lie to you again.”
His words soften me, and some of the pain I’ve carried for so long ebbs away, but I can’t forgive him that easily. There is still so much I need to know.
Why didn’t you tell me this as soon as you saw me today? Why bring me all the way back here, letting me think I was going to die?
“That wasn’t my intention.” He reaches out to touch my face, his fingers soft against my skin. “I knew you wouldn’t want to come back here, but I couldn’t take no for an answer. I had to bring you home so we could argue, and then you would see. I would make you see.”
Make me see what?
He reaches over and grabs me, dragging me onto his lap, notebook, and all. His eyes are as vulnerable as I’ve ever seen them, and his voice is uncharacteristically gravelly when he speaks.
“I’m sorry, baby.” He squeezes me so tight I can hardly breathe, his body shaking against mine. “I know I failed you. When I said I didn’t want this, it wasn’t true. I was a coward. I wanted it more than anything, but I didn’t trust myself not to let you down.”
Do you mean the way your father let you down? I ask.
Alessio looks at me with hollow eyes. “How did you know?”
Gwen, I admit. She told me about your family. I wanted to bring it up before, but I didn’t think you’d be receptive to it.
He sits quietly with his thoughts as he strokes my arm. I’m not sure if he’ll respond. Opening up is difficult for him, and I want him to, but I know I can’t force it either.
“I never wanted a relationship,” he confesses. “Experience taught me that happiness was an illusion. Then you came along, making me feel things I didn’t want to feel. I resented you for it, and I pushed you away because you fucking terrified me. I thought it was the right thing to do until you left, and I had a glimpse of what life would be like without you and Nino. That’s not a life I want, so even if I only get to keep you for a year, ten years, or however long fate decides, I want that. I’ll do what’s necessary to make it happen. You can be angry with me for as long as you feel like it, and I’ll take it. I deserve that, but I’m not letting you go.”
I stare at him, unmoving. I can’t seem to find the words I need to respond. Two hours ago, I thought he was going to kill me. Now he’s holding me like I’m the most precious thing in the world, and it’s like something has switched on inside of him for the first time. It’s everything I wanted, but it’s happening so fast it still doesn’t feel real. I don’t know how to trust that he won’t turn cold on me again.
“Natalia?” Concern creeps into his voice, and his grip on me tightens as if I might try to flee.
My vision blurs with tears, and I’m so sick of crying, but this time they are happy tears. Tears of relief.
Are we going to do this for real this time? I ask. No more bullshit?
