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The pope starts talking, and I zone out. I can feel Lilith beside me, her anxiety and heartbreak. I’ve stopped myself from seeing her, afraid that when I do, I might understand it was worth it. That losing Eli was worth it because he did it for her. Or even worse, noticing how she wasn’t worth it. Lost in my disarray of thoughts, I can’t seem to wrap my head around everything, much less my emotions.
My heart speeds up and my breathing quickens. Sweat drips down my temple as my fists tighten and loosen in my hands. I’m about to stand and run when something heavy is placed on my lap.
That heavy thing is moving.
Instinctively, my arms wrap around the child. Full head of raven hair, pale skin with pink cheeks, and eyes the color of lavender. She must only be three months old.
She raises her little hand to my cheek, before a smile flashes across her face. The wind gets knocked out of me because she definitely got her daddy’s smile.
The pain that was inside of me, crippling and unbearable, suddenly has metal claws closing in on it—containing the pain. For now, I can do it.
For her.
The rest of the ceremony doesn’t seem to be so unbearable with her on my lap, where she sits quietly, flicking her small rattle around the place. Every now and then, I find myself kissing the top of her head, inhaling the smell of her. I can feel all of the protective instincts that I’ve had for my sister multiply the longer she’s in my arms.
I would kill for my sister, but for this child right here, I’d burn the entire world to the ground just to make sure she’s safe.
A soft growl leaves my lips unintentionally, and Lilith’s hand comes to my thigh. I follow the black sharp points of her nails, following down to the tattoo that’s over her fingers. They now mean more than they ever did. One half Eli, the other for me.
I feel my shoulders collapse as a sob escapes my throat. Tears fall down my cheeks and land on the mane of onyx locks below me. I continue to shake as the tears unrestrainedly roll down my cheeks. Lilith stays close, but allows me to let it all go. I don’t care who’s here and watching me as I finally let it all go, because he’s gone.
I loved him and he’s gone.
Warmth fills my right cheek and I slowly peel my eyes open onto big lilac orbs looking up at me from below. Her little brows are pulled together, as if she can feel my pain and wants to help take it away.
I smile down at her, swiping the tears from my cheeks and bringing one hand to cover Lilith’s and the other to squeeze her tighter into my chest. “I’ve got you now.”
If you had told me months ago that I would be a mother one day, I would have laughed in your face. Unashamedly. The thought of me even being anywhere near a baby is terrifying. But something happens when you become a mother. Almost as though every hurdle you faced in your life to get to where you are today is insignificant. You love this—this person so much that it feels as though your heart is walking around outside of your chest. Vulnerability has never been something I’ve felt, until I learned of her. Now she’s like a constant open wound that I don’t want anyone to touch.
I’m in the passenger seat of Kyrin’s car while he drives us back to The Village in silence after Eli’s funeral. Seeing all The Kings and their families together made me feel as though I was closer to Eli. I exchanged numbers with Madison, Tillie, and Saint, and we all promised to keep in contact daily. They told me that it wasn’t long ago that Eli lost his brother Cash, and that the death they’ve been around has become too much so they’re taking the kids and everyone away for a holiday. They invited Kyrin, the baby, and me. I think I’m going to take them up on it. That’s providing I find out where Kyrin’s head is.
“The three days?” I ask absently as we make our way closer and closer to The Village.
“That’s how long EKC needed to make sure she was safe.”
“What about Eli?” I answer, turning to face Kyrin. “What about to make sure he was safe?”
Kyrin’s jaw flexes with his arm muscles as he tenses around the steering wheel. “I’m gathering he wasn’t his priority. The child was. We couldn’t have known that she was going to do what she did, nor could we have known that he would jump in front of a bullet.”
I pause, rubbing my sweaty palms down my thighs. “Do you hate me for that?”
