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Climbing myself back up the rope, I continue higher this time until I find the circle swing that Maya uses. I hook my foot in a safety wrap before jumping over, barely grabbing it by my hands. Swinging freely, I look down at the ground and notice how far I have to fall. Smirking, I swing my body up effortlessly by hooking my legs through between my hands and pulling myself into a sitting position. “Lilith” from Ellise starts playing and I chuckle loudly, gaining momentum on the hoop swing by pushing out my legs. I wait until it’s higher and higher, until I can almost smell the rubber tent ceiling. Then I pull myself up to standing and reach for the clip that keeps the swing so high.
I flick it undone as my feet slip from the hoop and I begin falling to the ground. I close my eyes and reach my hand above my head, my fingers grasping onto the hoop and my body jolting as I curve my back into a U and it slowly carries me down to solid ground. The music continues to play. Lost in the lyrics and not wanting to be found, I dance around until I find the pole in the center of the stage. It’s not supposed to be there. I think it’s there as a reinforcement, but I cling to it anyway, wrapping my body around the steel expertly like I have so many times before. Rhianna’s “Te Amo” offers the perfect bass line. I crawl up, slide down, hang myself upside down into a Superman split and fall to the ground, stopping my head from hitting the stage at the very last second. I can feel the recklessness in my body, swimming roguishly to the currents the music plays to.
The song changes to something a little slower with a heavy drum, one I don’t recognize. Its heady and deep tones mask an intricate frequency that has goose bumps raising over my flesh, right before a heavy metal hook. I stay on my back, gazing up at the tent for seconds, minutes. Eventually, I reach for my phone and hit repeat on “Feel Nothing” by The Plot in You because it’s not enough to only hear once.
I need all of it. Around me, inside me, killing me, nullifying all the chaos that I’ve allowed to bleed out of me since I arrived here.
Hands are around my legs, tugging me to the edge of the stage. I don’t fight it because I know who it is. Instead, I laugh, pushing myself onto my elbows until my eyes collide with both Kyrin and Eli.
“Cute act,” Kyrin says, gesturing up to the rope and hoop. “I’ll be sure to tell Perse your skills can be stretched in other places, too.”
“Hmmm,” I say, gazing between both of them. So different, yet the same. “I prefer the stripper pole. But thanks.”
“No.” Eli takes a seat right beside me on the stage. “You prefer killing people. Remember?” I hear the jest in his voice but struggle to chuckle. Eli has a way about him that makes people feel at ease. It’s as though he was placed on this earth just for laughter. And I can’t complain about that thing he does with his tongue either… But then there’s Kyrin. “Oh, I do. I’m just trying to figure out why I didn’t kill you?” I stand to my feet, which just so happens to be directly in front of Kyrin.
His fingertip comes to the side of my neck, but I whack his hand away. “What are you doing?”
“I’m doing exactly what you want.”
“Oh, and how do you know this is what I want?” I ask, eyes narrowed. “The last I checked, assuming you know what I want is exactly what put me in the current issue I’m in.” I go to sidestep away from him, but his hand is on my arm, holding me to my spot.
“Lilith, if you think I’m going to let you go, then you don’t know me at all.”
I shove my arm out of his grip, turning to face both of them. “I know, Kyrin. Because I remember everything. So, the question I have for both of you, since you both seem to know what I want, is this—” I search both of their faces. Kyrin’s features are relaxed, unbothered as usual, where Eli looks partially amused, again, as usual. “When were you both going to tell me that you knew each other?”
Kyrin, in his defense, still looks somewhat relaxed, though his brows are slightly more pulled in the middle. Eli’s grin is now hidden behind his hand.
“And while we’re here, I’m done pussyfooting around this.” I turn to Eli. “Yes, Eli, I remember having sex with you because it was the first time I chose to do it, not because I had to. It was the first time I felt pleasure for me, not just to fuck for a man. I remember you trying to save me the first time I met you because you thought I needed saving, too.” Kyrin’s lip twitches. “And you. I remember you sitting in the corner during more than one of our shows. Watching. In the darkest corners. You never said a word to me—not once, but I remember. So when are you both going to be honest with me about that, hmm? Or are you still not done pretending that I don’t know that you knew each other before we were all this?” I go to turn around when Kyrin’s voice stops me.
