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‘That’s the reality of life, Tia,’ he managed, but the words jarred unexpectedly, even to his own ears. ‘We can’t protect people against horrible things, no matter how much we want to.’
Tia seemed to slump, as though relieved and devastated all at once.
‘But I can try to protect my son from as much pain as possible. Especially when it’s so inevitable. You have a self-destructive streak, Zeke, you always have had. We both know it. If there’s a burning building you would have to be the first one to rush in and risk your life even if the fire service were minutes out.’
‘Minutes could make a difference,’ he countered, not wanting to concede her point.
‘I’m not putting our son through that.’ She stood fast.
‘You think you can not tell him about me?’
‘I think it’s my duty as his mother to protect him. Whatever noble cause you dress it up as, how can I bring you into his life when I know that one day I will have to get him through the inevitable pain of losing you because the only way you can feel alive is by risking your life?’
‘You seemed to have no trouble getting through that so-called pain,’ he levelled at her, unable to help himself.
‘No trouble?’ she cried. ‘You told me never to come near you again. That I’d ruined your life and you could never forgive me.’
This was ridiculous; they were going around in circles. But then, maybe that was the point—they had never really learned to talk to one another. They’d never tackled issues or ironed out differences. Maybe Tia was right, they had viewed the whole ten years of their marriage as an extended honeymoon period, never needing to get into the nitty-gritty of relationship bumps in the road because before anything became an issue one or both of them would have been leaving, off on some tour of duty or something.
Except that last time. And then he’d metaphorically drop-kicked her out of his life.
For her own good, Zeke reminded himself fiercely. Yet it didn’t drown out the whispering voice that cast doubt. Or to prevent her from seeing you in any kind of weakened state?
‘I already told you that I said that to protect you. You never once told me that you were carrying our son.’
‘You level that at me as an accusation,’ Tia cried. ‘As though knowing I was pregnant would have changed things. But would it have changed anything, Zeke?’
‘Yes.’
‘Really? Only, I’m not so sure.’
‘Of course it would have,’ he bellowed, staring at her incredulously, white-hot anger searing through him. ‘It would have changed everything.’
Tia didn’t reply, she only watched him. Blinking once. Gently.
A wretched truth began to creep in. Or at least, a suspicion of a truth.
Would it have changed everything? Would it have changed anything?
‘Of course it would have,’ he repeated.
But this time he was less forceful.
She took a half a step closer to him, though he wasn’t even sure she herself was aware of doing so.
‘Are you sure?’ she pressed softly. ‘You told me that you were protecting me. Trying to absolve me of all culpability for amputating in the first place. Trying to free me of the burden that you saw yourself to be. Would you really have changed your mind because of a baby?’
He wanted to repeat that it would. To convince her. But suddenly, he wasn’t even sure he was convinced himself.
He’d been a mess in those early months after he’d got back to the UK hospital. He’d only lost his leg but back then it had felt as though his whole life were over. He’d gone from an exceptionally fit Special Forces soldier, risking his life to protect his country, and those he loved, every day, to not even being able to walk, let alone look after himself; the idea of Tia having to run around nursemaiding him had felt too much to bear. Too shameful. Too humiliating.
How would he have felt knowing they had a baby on the way?
Knowing that when their son cried, he wouldn’t be able to get up and go to him; couldn’t simply stand and reach over the cot to pick him up; couldn’t carry him back to Tia for feeding.
All things normal people took for granted.
Hell, he could barely look after himself those first few months, he couldn’t have contemplated being able to take care of a baby. Tia would have been running around after their child, and then running around after him.
