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‘No.’ Then, ‘Maybe.
‘My mother had never wanted to be a mother. She was a nurse, but I think she’d always wished she could have been a doctor.’
‘Why wasn’t she?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t think she ever wanted to have children, but then she met my father, fell pregnant and got married. She became a wife and mother and that was what her family expected of her. And as long as she moulded to those rules, everything was acceptable. The fact that she made a terrible mother seemed to be something everyone was prepared to overlook.’
He couldn’t explain what it was that made him want to...to be there for her.
‘Terrible, how?’
She wrinkled her nose and pulled her lips together as though she didn’t want to be telling him any of this, and yet somehow couldn’t help herself.
‘You once told me that your parents didn’t neglect you. They gave you time—as long as it was the topics they deemed important—but they didn’t show you emotion. Well, my mother did neglect us.’
‘You and Maria?’ Jake asked gently as Flávia swallowed.
‘Right. My...our...mother only ever really acknowledged us if it gave her a way to blow off some steam, you know, vent her frustrations? And I gave her plenty of excuses to do so.’
‘You?’
Flávia shrugged, as though trying to ward off the terrible memories.
‘My sister told you I got into fights in school, right? Ironically, I hated the fights at home so I would constantly sneak out of the house. I’d just creep into the edges of the forest so that I could see the animals, and I’d stay there for hours watching them. It infuriated my mother.’
‘Could she perhaps have been concerned?’ Jake asked carefully. He, of all people, knew better than to sit in judgement. ‘Frightened for you?’
Flávia’s mouth twisted into a hollow smile that tugged at his chest.
‘A part of me wishes that were true. But no, her only concern was for the hassle that I brought. She would shout at me. Scream at me. Always saying how much she hated me.’
‘Flávia...’ He couldn’t imagine anyone hating someone as bright, and interested, and sweet, as her.
‘She was always telling me that I made her life difficult,’ Flávia continued, clearly trying to keep her voice level. Even succeeding at times. ‘That I was impossible. And I believed it, for years. It was only when I grew up that I realised my transgressions were just excuses for her to shout at me. The real truth was that she hated me for existing in the first place. Maria, too.’
‘Flávia, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. But you know that was more about her than about you. You understand that now, don’t you? She isn’t worth your time or your heart now.’
‘I know that,’ she agreed, her eyes locking with his, searching them. And when some of the tension eased from her face, he couldn’t help but wonder if that was because of him. ‘Although, Maria did track her down a few years ago. I didn’t want anything to do with her, but Maria had just had Julianna and Marcie and she needed to understand what had driven our mother to be the way she was.’
‘Why?’
Flávia twisted her face again.
‘I don’t know. My best guess is that she was afraid of turning out like her. She wanted to be sure.’
This time it was more of a grimace, and Jake felt his heart fracture at the expression. He didn’t know what to say, or what to do.
‘The worst thing about it was that she had remarried, only a couple of years after she’d walked out on us. And despite everything she’d said, she’d had another family with him.’
‘Flávia,’ he muttered, pulling her to him and cradling her in his arms.
He stroked her hair as if that single action could somehow make all her pain go away.
It was beginning to explain a lot. Like why she loved escaping into the rainforest, or how she focused on her work. Even why she kept people at bay.
Except for Brady.
And maybe himself.
